Here’s Why Xander Cage Is Definitely The World’s Most Badass Spy


In partnership with Paramount Pictures

Paramount Pictures

So it’s safely assumed that, alongside fighter pilot, rock star and (ahem) writer, being a spy is probably the world’s coolest job.

It’s basically being an actor instead of crying on demand and wearing wigs but you get to shoot people and drive fast cars.

But of all the spies that have graced our screens we need to ask – who is the coolest spy?? Our vote goes to xXx’s Xander Cage…

He’s Into Extreme Sports

Unlike his stuffy British counterpart James Bond, Xander isn’t a born to rule Etonian, borderline alcoholic with intimacy issues who kills for an outdated monarchy.

No, he’s just a muscled up extreme sports athlete who uses his ability to do a 360 ollie over a speeding car to fight bad guys with Russian accents and shit moustaches. And that’s cool…

He Can Remember His Own Name/Doesn’t Repeat It Constantly

So unlike Jason Bourne – who doesn’t know his own name despite retaining the ability to perform complex hand to hand combat routines – or James Bond, who never fucking stops telling people his name, Xander knows his name but doesn’t go around blurting it out to every goon he meets.

Usually he doesn’t have time to cause he’s too busy skateboarding out of a moving plane while popping his collar as hip hop music plays in the background.

Paramount Pictures

He’s Got The Best Tunes

Back in 2002 James Bond was dying another day with Madonna on his iPod. But Xander burst onto the scene with fire-breathing German Nu-metallers Rammstein.

The British Secret Service haven’t really upped their game in the years since either, most recently teaming up with mum-friendly Adele and Sam Smith. Whereas Xander’s latest trailers see him performing stunts to a chart-friendly David Guetta remix and a brutal update of painfully cool Jimi Hendrix’s Voodoo Child.

Xander Cage Can Surf Motorcycles

It might not be a prerequisite for a spy to be able to surf motorbikes – if films have taught me anything all the really need to do is blend in at decadent parties or wait until they’re on the verge of being murdered for the bad guy to reveal his plans – but it sure looks damned cool.

Paramount Pictures

If you’re missing the coolest spy in film history xXx: Return of Xander Cage is in UK cinemas and IMAX January 19.

Just prepare for your drive home to feel incredibly dull in comparison – unless your car knows how to surf.