Introducing the newest style statement you’ve never needed to make: Nike fanny pack sliders.
The activewear giants have answered all of your practical foot accessory prayers with their latest release. It’s a hot new take on the shoe-cum-bum-bag.
The latest shoes have slid into your DMs like some retro fiend who shops at COW and offers you a WKD at an acoustic open mic night.
They come in pink and green colours and include a textured, molded footbed for comfortability.
The Nike sandal’s standout feature is the zippered pouch which is fixed on the strap.
Completing the look is the official Swoosh branding – pinnacle of symbolism for just doing capitalism – which is placed at the very centre of the pouch strap.
Presumably they put it there so you can be reminded of how much money you spent on these sliders, contributing to the global monetary mechanisms of oppression, every time you unzip the foot fanny pack to club together enough change for an extortionate Red Stripe.
Unfortunately, we can’t bring you the retail price as the podiatric baggage isn’t released yet, so you have some time to come to your senses if you were thinking about purchasing them.
If you’re considering purchasing the footwear, let’s just run through the practicalities, shall we?
Yeah, they look quite cool. The neon colours say, ‘I’m a hip person’, while the subversion of the function of footwear says, ‘I don’t play by your rules’.
But the distance it’d take you to reach down to your makeshift purse says, ‘I really haven’t thought this through’.
Disclaimer: It’s not even clear whether the fanny pack has a functional zip or whether it’s one of the sorts which appeared on garments circa the nineties which don’t work but are placed strategically on clothing to make the wearer look as though they’re carefree enough to break free from the shackles of fashion at any moment.
The latest design arrives after Nike revamped their classic slider style – a bold choice to change the model’s well-known single strap not one iota – in ‘Vachetta Tan’ while ‘Light Bone’ is found on the molded footbed.
Nike’s Swoosh appears across the top. D’uh. You can purchase the slides at Lady Foot Locker, where they price out at $35 USD.
It’s not the only fashion and beauty trend to boggle the mind in 2018:
In the UK, a pair will set you back £28.95. But they’re only available in the Metallic Summit White/Summit White two-tone option, which for me and you, means white and silver.
Maybe the UK wasn’t ready for ‘Vachetta Tan’ and ‘Light Bone’?
I’d be inclined to think Nike was correct.
Instead, over in Blighty, our pastel version of the currently available sliders comes in Orange Quartz and Ice Peach… Which sounds like something I’d rather drink than wear on my feet.
But you’re probably best holding off until the Nike fanny pack sandals are unleashed on the world, marking a true fusion between dad fashion and footwear.
What next? Gloves for your ears with night-ray vision auditory capabilities? Trademarked.
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A former emo kid who talks too much about 8Chan meme culture, the Kardashian Klan, and how her smartphone is probably killing her. Francesca is a Cardiff University Journalism Masters grad who has done words for BBC, ELLE, The Debrief, DAZED, an art magazine you’ve never heard of and a feminist zine which never went to print.