The UNILAD Fictional Fashion Forecast: Hottest Looks For 2016
What was your favourite fashion trend from the last 12 months?
Whether you were a fan of the man bun or went wild for glittery beards, there was enough twattery this year to keep even the seasoned fashion trailblazer busy.
But what about next year? Surely there must be something to keep me looking fly while I shuffle my way from a cheeky Nando’s to the Warehouse Project, I hear you ask…
Stay tuned soldier, we’ve got you:
Man buns, remember them? Of course you do, they were huge in 2015 until it transpired they were actually making you go bald.
Well if 2015 was the year of the man bun, then 2016 is all about the man cake – a hybrid evolution best described as ‘the topknot on steroids’, or something. You see, the man cake is a damn sight bigger and more layered than its measly bun predecessor.
But how do you achieve one of these baked monstrosities on your head? Step one: stop washing your hair. In fact start adding things to your hair, like eggs, flour, sugar and broken dreams.
Step two: start growing your disgusting matted dreadlocks until they reach your lower back. Step three: take these greasy, unwashed lengths and start moulding them into an intricate cake shape – maybe a layered Victoria sponge, a lovely Battenburg or even a huge multi-tiered wedding cake, it’s really down to personal preference.
The man cake takes a painstaking 12 hours to construct, leaving you with very little time to actually get anything done. But that’s fine, because people will see you for the hair adonis that you are, and make comments in the street, like, ‘Who’s what bellend?’
Having your ankles exposed to the elements is great, that’s something everyone can agree on.
But how do you highlight this often underrated part of the lower leg/upper foot? You’ve got your freshest pair of Huarache’s on, you’ve burnt all your socks and your skin tight black jeans are rolled up to 11, what now? Surely there’s no way you can expose your ankles any further, is there?
There is – ankle enhancement surgery, and all the celebrities are doing it. Those of you with a keen eye on the Daily Mail‘s sidebar of shame will have noticed the rising number of stories featuring Kylie Jenner’s ever-prominent ankles. These incredible looking connector joints don’t come naturally, they’re the work of surgical wizardry.
Expect those massive ankles to be breaking the internet big time – socks are for nerds anyway.
Everyone loves the ’90s, that golden era of pill-popping plenty when the glowing face of a pre-war crime Tony Blair beamed eternal optimism into our lives.
However great the 1990s were, though, they can never compete with the pure vintage credibility of another forgotten decade – the 1590s.
That’s right, get ready for the inevitable downpour of swagged-out Elizabethan ruffs and other impractical clothing that takes ages to put on, because 2016 is about to go all Francis Drake on the Spanish Armada of fashion – #HistoricalBanter.
Impress your Tinder date by rocking up to Nando’s wearing a fabricated ruffle the size of a dustbin lid. Catch flecks of chicken and rogue chips with ease, thus eradicating any regrets she may have had about swiping right.
Moustaches and beards are good, but have you ever considered shaving them off?
There’s a cool new thing happening in 2016 called ‘going clean shaven’. This crazy new style trend is set to take the world by storm, and involves buying a razor and shaving foam and shaving all the hair off your face.
It probably won’t catch on…
But don’t worry if it doesn’t take off, there’s now something you can add to your fluffy face protrusion to make them even cooler – broken glass.
2015 saw a lot of pioneers covering their beards in glitter, and this year promises to expand on this with men smashing bottles on their faces and rubbing the sharp, painful remnants all over their beards.
Because why not?
A lot of people like to paint their eyebrows on, but the painted-on fun doesn’t have to stop there.
Next year people will be stepping up their game by painting on their nose as well. To achieve this hot new look all you need to do is chop off your boring, normal nose and get creative with a set of crayons.
I don’t want to name drop, but Kanye West has been rocking this look for ten years. Zoom in on his nose, it’s true.
Then there’s the human backpack.
This year people will discard the traditional fabric backpack in favour of something more exotic and flesh based – no that’s not some weird Silence of the Lambs fashion crossover, we’re talking a real life human being bag.