While losing your hair prematurely as a man may be the worst thing since 9/11, there are, as it happens, many benefits to living the #BaldLife.
Full disclosure lads: I have a discernible amount of head on my hair. The exact hair line requires a telescope to be seen and my forehead is basically Ben Nevis, but I’ve still got more than enough to play around with in front of girls when they approach me to ask for my number, leaving me all nervous and jittery.
Check this out:
I know what you’re thinking:
- Hates craft ale and Coldplay
- Lives for banter
- So loaded he doesn’t even notice his monthly Netflix subscription fee
- Makes cups of tea that elicit surprised praise
- Can sell sand to Arabs
For the most part, it’s absolutely fantastic. Seriously. Having hair is great, though a part of me gets jealous when I think about the following things I’m missing out on…
A lower risk of cancer:
OK, so this is the best one. Also, apologies for jumping from a jokey intro into something quite #serious.
According to Babamail, they report how a study found men who began the balding process at a young age had a 45 per cent less chance of getting prostate cancer compared to lads with a full head of hair.
How? According to the research, long-term exposure to large quantities of testosterone – a cause for male baldness – can slow the development of tumours.
It’s more masculine:
That’s right fellas, if you’ve got a slap-head women think you’re more of a bloke in all other aspects – I assume this is because customarily, men who are bald are usually middle aged and thus more experienced and veteran?
It’s hard to be masculine as a 20-year-old who likes Ed Sheeran and has ‘Woah woah woah <3’ as his Tinder opening line.
Tip: to be a real man, it’s essential you part ways with your hair, smash 20 chicken breasts a day and become swole – better yet, push your sheared hair from the barber floor together and elbow slam it in front of all the thick-haired beta males sat waiting for their turn.
A bald scalp is seen to be associated with more manly professions like soldiers, police and firemen, so if you work in middle management and have a hair line which begins half an inch up from your eyebrows, consider yourself out of the evolutionary contest.
A reason to always wear hats/just looking dece in hats:
The best use for a hat is when you’ve got bed-head and can’t be arsed washing it before work, everyone knows that.
However, if you haven’t got any hair, this isn’t an issue.
So you can just don hats for the banter and the fashion-appeal, (see above).
You have plenty of role models:
Mate, there’s more bald celebrities – dead or alive – out there than you can shake a toupee at.
Zinedine Zidane, Picasso, Patrick Stewart, Ross Kemp, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, Verne Troyer, Samuel L Jackson, Larry David (pretty much), Sir Ben Kingsley, The Rock, Pitbull, LL Cool J, Stanley Tucci, Alan Shearer.
You know who has hair? Donald Trump. Stick that in your pipe!
A better metabolism:
Got a crappy metabolism? Then you probably look like David Luiz.
The high testosterone we’ve been talking about is also responsible for boosting the metabolism process, helping you maintain a healthy weight and developing a swole body frame.
It also gives you a lower concentration of fat in the face, meaning a more butch, chiseled canvas.
You’re more rich:
Not by a huge amount, but enough to make you drop dollar in a German market without breaking a sweat.
Think about it, what bald guy splashes out on shampoo, conditioner, combs, creams and hair dryers like those pathetic lot with quiffs?
Sure, Jeff Bezos is rich because of Amazon, but would he be as rich as he is if he weren’t bald? Possibly?
He’s now the richest man on the planet, above Bill Gates who – you guessed it – has a full head of hair. What a tosser.
Do you know what I mean? You’re bald and that’s the end of it.
No worrying or fretting, no dodgy transplants done in Hungary or anxiety ridden walks in the wind wearing a wig.
Life’s thrown baldness at you and you’ve gone, ‘Come on then. Chump. See ya!’ You’ve bested the one thing all men are terrified of – it’s now yesterday’s news.