For far too long the Academy has had a problem with inclusivity.
That’s right, you all know what I’m talking about – Leo has never won an Oscar.
The man who stole the show with his breakout performance in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, was the king of the world in Titanic, and stole our hearts as Josh in acclaimed space-monster drama Critters 3, has never won an Academy Award.
Fortunately, it looks like Leo might finally snag a statuette on February 28 for his role in The Revenant but, just in case he doesn’t win one (again), here are some other ways he can finally get hold of that elusive statuette…
Kill Daniel Day Lewis & Steal His Identity
Daniel Day-Lewis wins Oscars for pretty much every film he bothers to appear in.
He’s such an Oscars magnet that he could take a video of himself taking a shit and eating a BLT at the same time and win an Academy Award, a Tony and a Pulitzer at the same time, because of its daring sideswipe at the American food industry – even though, in reality, no such subtext existed and it was genuinely just him enjoying a dump and a sandwich.
All Leo has to do to get that level of Oscar-worthiness is not to keep starring in increasingly weaker Martin Scorcese films, but to actually kill Day-Lewis, perhaps with a poorly delivered soliloquy (DDL’s version of kryptonite) then steal his identity.
He still won’t win the Oscar as Leo but you can bet your arse that, even if he stars as Day-Lewis in a Donald Trump election video entitled ‘All Mexicans Are C*nts’, he’d still win the Oscar for both Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor.
Fake His Own Death To Receive One Posthumously
The Oscars are nothing if not powered by guilt and sentimentality – which is why Sylvester Stallone is odds-on to get an Academy Award for acting this year and also why shit films that make people cry are rewarded better than actual good films that make people laugh.
If Leo wants an Oscar then all he’s got to do is take advantage of this guilty streak and fake his own death.
Before you know it, he’ll be this decade’s Heath Ledger having awards thrown at him posthumously – although Leo’s last film performance isn’t actually as good as Heath’s turn as The Joker.
Still though, an Oscar is an Oscar. Just ask Ben Affleck.
Two Words: Holocaust Drama
War films, and in particular, World War Two films attract Oscars ‘like flies on shite’.
You can’t show a Nazi uniform on film without the Academy wanting to reward you, unless of course you’re wildly under-rewarded director Quentin Tarantino and they just give you one begrudgingly.
All Leo has to do for this one is play either the goodie trying to escape/defeat the Nazis or, even better for potential awards glory, play the absolute bastard baddie Nazi who hunts Jewish people – both are equally likely to be rewarded in this instance.
Put On A Fuckload Of Weight Like Christian Bale
Ever since Robert De Niro put on a shitload of weight for Raging Bull in 1980 and was rewarded with an Oscar for his troubles, countless actors have now taken advantage of this shortcut to critical acclaim and Oscars glory.
Orson Welles and Marlon Brando were considered two of the greatest actors of all time and they were basically just sacks of saturated fat that could speak on cue.
Lose A Fuck Tonne Of Weight Like Christian Bale
If Leo doesn’t feel like bulking up on film like Christian Bale did for Batman then maybe he can lose a fuck-tonne of weight instead, like Christian Bale did for The Machinist.
Now, fair enough, he didn’t win an Oscar for that performance but he sure as hell did when he again lost a shit-load of weight for The Fighter a few years ago!
Lose weight, gain weight – it doesn’t matter Leo.
Get fat and play Al Capone or get skinny and play an AIDS patient like Matthew McConnaughey did in Dallas Buyers Club and the Academy will throw the awards at you!