If you’ve browsed Facebook during the past week or so chances are your News Feed has been littered with those generated ‘Who is your soulmate?’ or ‘Who dreamt about you?’ quizzes.
They at best provide a bit of comic relief from #groanzone statuses about politics and at worst, supply your private information to dodgy companies with Hungarian postcodes, but no-one cares about that. It’s funny as f*ck.
‘What Would You Look Like As The Opposite Sex?’ has probably proved 2018’s most popular thanks to it turning a lot of 6/10 lads into 8, maybe 9/10 stunners, thus giving them food for thought next time they fancy rinsing Caitlyn Jenner.
The results of one friend, for example, drew comments ranging from ‘Tell u what mate, wouldn’t even need a beer’ to ‘F*cking hell you’re banging!’
I did it, but refrained from sharing publicly because I looked nine-years-old and knew (fingers crossed), there’d be zero complimentary engagement.
So I hopped over to FaceApp instead where I fared a bit better:
Let’s not beat around the bush here guys, I’m a bit of a smoke-show as a woman. Most men who do this tend to still acquire giveaways – especially if bearded – but I look authentic.
A girl who genuinely likes pints, is down for a laugh but also a bit aggy. Incredibly bemused by black comedy and Stranger Things.
I showed people and my feedback was highly generous if not sometimes a touch vulgar, but a compliment’s a compliment.
One flat-out hated it though: ‘Awful. You look about 12 mate.’
Basically, I ended up joking about hitting up Tinder with the pic to see if people bought it and everyone I told said I should definitely do it, so here we are.
Why Olivia? Why not? First name which popped into my head to be honest.
The bio was kept brief on purpose – I figured Olivia wasn’t one to breeze about travelling or her interests. All she wants is to make clear there’ll be no repeats of her three-year relationship with rugby playing high school sweetheart, Callum.
The use of only one picture wasn’t so much a tactical choice – because everyone knows one-pic Tinder users are bad news – more of a logical one. There was no way FaceApp would strike lucky twice.
Signing up to Tinder as a catfish doesn’t feel great, I won’t lie to you. Trying to grass people and start beef just isn’t part of my DNA. I’m more chill – I would’ve probably intervened the assassination of Julius Caesar had I been present.
On the other hand, I also live for #banter. If Keith Moon wasn’t dead, he’d be doing the same.
No joke, within twenty seconds I’d already been Super-Liked. Super-Liked. BRO, DO YOU EVEN FACEAPP?! The CGI from the first Toy Story looks more legit than my hair.
For a second I was gripped by a terrible wave of shame. Then I just laughed and told a colleague, followed by around eight seconds of swiping.
If there was one rule I was going to abide to, it was a total veto on conversation. I wouldn’t be engaging or clickbaiting these lads beyond matching. I may be an a*s – impossible to like in many regards, selfish, and a little loose with empathy, but I’m not Saddam Hussein, you know what I mean?
There’s a part of me which knows it’d be wrong to start chirpsing these guys and accidentally ending up becoming a paedophile hunter.
By all accounts, most notably the Instagram page ‘Tinder Nightmares’, men are terrible at talking to women.
Recent screen-grabs have exposed openers such as ‘You’ve had that body your entire life and I just want it for one night’, ‘You look like the little sister I never had’, ‘Let daddy have a touch’ and even ‘Sex today’.
However, I got no such thing. I knew from girls ‘Hey x’ is a repeat offence in Tinderland but it was only through Olivia I learnt just how endemic the sh*t-chat was.
Fellas, we’ve gotta think of other stuff than hey and hi. Not to mention ‘Howdy x’.
Questions are less needy but they make a change. One lad said: ‘Tell me something random about you’, like we were sat on some beach at night like in High School Musical. The temptation to reply saying I was a guy was enticing but I side-stepped it.
However, one lad did ask this question, although a little more elaborately:
While definitely a copy and paste jobby – and terrible in every sense – at least it was something. Fair play to the guy.
As for the rest, I was severely let down. I ran out of likes and left it for a day.
When I returned, the matches kept on coming, much to my amusement. I even got sent a f*ck boi heart-eye emoji – he obviously didn’t get the memo!
In an ideal world, I’d keep this going for a week and try to get 1,000 matches but people might talk. The guise destroyed.
Regretfully, I have since retired Olivia to the land of obscurity.
As it happens, the urban legend, men are much more active on Tinder than girls, seems to ring true. As does the poor flirting.
But hey, we’re all human, we’re all just trying to get through this life with the modern embrace of online affection, so I don’t hold my matches in contempt. They’ll probably hold me in it though.
In conclusion, yeah, it feels weird to know when I next go out, some people might have wanted to hook up with me in a wig, but like I said, I’m a not a grass and never will be. Love!