How Becoming A Meathead Makes You More Of A Man

Beast Gym

There’s nothing wrong with being physically fit and healthy. You feel better, look good, and will probably live longer, but you still might not look like a six-foot pitbull with a topknot, aka, a real man. Thankfully there are options out there to help you lift some heavy stuff over and over again so that you can live up to the fitness industry’s definition of a desirable and worthwhile piece of human meat.

FYI, a real man isn’t someone who reads books or says smart stuff, it’s a blokey-bloke who’s bang into working out. So here are a bunch of reasons becoming a meathead can make you a real man.

There’s Physically More Of You

This might sound simple but it’s true, there is actually just physically more of you, making you, by default, more of a man. Napoleon might have been a 5 foot 7 twerp with bad teeth who conquered Europe before he was 30, but can he even lift bro?

You’ll Be Relied Upon For Your Brawn

Since the majority of men don’t work in jobs that rely on manual labour, we’ve lost a bit of the sweaty ruggedness that once defined us. But don’t worry, once you become a meathead, you’ll be spending day after day in a place with other men where you lift shit and shower together, just like real men should.

You Can Have Conversations About Reps And Creatine

Real men don’t talk about philosophy, art, or science, that shit’s for the geeks who probably can’t even bench. Proper men talk about tits and reps and creatine. So if you want to be a real man, you should probably just go ahead and stifle your natural intelligence and spend a lot of time/money/time and money on getting bigger arms. Yep.

Even Though You Only Work On Your Glamour Muscles And Can’t Fight, You’ll Still Be Able To Physically Intimidate People Smaller Than You

There’s no point spending years perfecting a martial art so that you can defend yourself or protect your loved ones if they’re in danger, that’s for pussies. All you really need to do is inject steroids into your arse cheeks for a couple of months and pretty soon you’ll be able to scare people smaller than you for fun.

You Won’t Have To Engage In Conversations On Dating Sites

Now instead of struggling to keep up with the witticisms your prospective date is throwing your way, resisting the urge to grunt or smash the phone in frustration, you can just fire off a quick topless photo of yourself. This is guaranteed to be irresistible to all women and not in any way an admission that you have the personality and body of a rhino with a head injury. Real men let their massive pecks do the talking.

Lifting Shit Is Easier

Have you ever seen Arnie or Dan Bilzerian struggle to lift something? No, that’s ’cause they’re proper men who have dedicated their time and energy into getting really good at lifting something so that when the maybe twice yearly opportunity arises for you to lift some furniture around a room, you can be ready.

So if you’re unsure of your place as a man in society, or feel that you might be struggling for some self confidence, don’t be open about it and confide in your real bros, just make yourself as much of a caricature of a male human as possible, so that you can bury your fears deep, under muscles, so that they only emerge years later as a stroke.