Warning: This Article Is Dark And Full Of Spoilers
My name is Emily, I am 22-years-old and I have never seen a single episode or even a minute of Game of Thrones. Until now.
Shamed by both my family and friends, I decided it was about time that I get stuck into what is the most popular television series of recent times.
But I’m a busy girl and do not have the time to watch all of the previous six series so I jumped into the deep end head first and started with the latest non-leaked episode Eastwatch.
Not going to lie, I was very, very confused.
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So the episode opens on a scene which sees the guy who is shagging his sister (so I know some facts already) coming out of a lake with a man who seems rather determined to kill him.
Well he keeps saying that he wants to kill the other man but never seems to make an attempt so is this some kind of weird cheeky foreplay or is the man just lazy?
And so the confusion begins…
The moment I was dying to see did occur, Daenerys turning up with a huge fire-breathing dragon.
Unfortunately though this scene was ruined by some rather crap CGI (I thought this program had a big budget?) and a wooden performance from Emilia Clarke who really needed to redeem herself after the dreadful Terminator: Genisys.
Still, ‘Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons’ – as I’m told is her proper title – did become my favourite character of the episode as she is a true bad-ass, although the fire-breathing dragons do help her case.
My previous knowledge of Game of Thrones led me to believe that she was one of the good guys but apparently I was wrong as from what I saw she seemed pretty cool with murder and burning some poor souls alive.
The girl has got some style, which I admire, and I later found out that everyone else is murdering people left, right and centre anyway so it must just be a common practice in the area.
The death toll of this show must be high as the majority of character’s conversations are either about people they have killed or people they are going to kill.
Just calm down with the murdering alright, no wonder civilisation is barely evolving in Westeros over the centuries.
Next we meet those famous shagging siblings Cersei and Jaime talking about the sorrowful loss of their first child, a scene that peculiarly tinged my heart with sadness.
However, we later find out that The Queen (jeez there’s a lot of them) is pregnant again (yay?) so hey, you lose some, you win some.
It seems guaranteed that this child will also end up dead as what I have learnt is that GOT shows no mercy to anyone, and that really means anyone.
Before I can catch up on Cersei and Jaime’s tragic backstory we are back with Daenerys and her pet dragons which she calls ‘her children’ immediately making me question whether she gave birth to them herself or hatched them.
She is then joined by Jon Snow who teared up when stroking a dragon’s nose. C’mon man I thought you were meant to be hard?!
Also, the tension between the Mother of Dragons and the King in the North is pretty electric and I will join fans in going crazy when the two inevitably take it to the bed chambers. Although I have been told they could be related – why does this show normalise incest so much?
At this point, I can’t lie, I was pretty bored.
Nothing seemed to be happening – and yet die hard fans have said this season is moving faster than those before it. Things only got worse when we met a rather uptight cult led by Professor Slughorn a.k.a. Jim Broadbent.
Admittedly I did start to drift on in this scene, although I do agree with one of the cult members that magical birds talking to a cripple and a raven with three eyes is a bit much.
It was lovely to see ‘book boy’ (I’m reliably informed his name is Sam) leave his prison though as writing about some old guy’s bladder movements can’t have been fun, although I am not sure where book boy is going to.
As if there weren’t enough characters in the episode already we then met two squabbling sisters, both of whom have some rather questionable views.
Unfortunately for the lovely Maisie Williams I am on Sansa’s side as she, unlike her younger sister, isn’t obsessed with chopping off heads and actually wants some harmony.
My patience with the episode really was stretched by this point, but then we met Gendry who came complete with a very nice hammer.
For a moment I enjoyed some rather marvellous mallet action as Gendry took out two men with some flamboyant style but then we were back to watching people travelling to cross some wall or something.
Then the episode was over and that was it. Really folks, I thought this show was meant to be dramatic but NOTHING HAPPENED!
It is safe to say that I didn’t exactly enjoy this episode although I did learn a lot about Game of Thrones and how everyone is a murderer with daddy problems.
So will I be watching the next episode or any in fact? Well if they are as boring as Eastwatch then the answer is no.
Although I do want to see Daenerys and Jon Snow become a killer couple. Just let me know when that happens please as I can’t bear more yawn inducing walking and talking.