It’s Black Friday Today And Shoppers Will Be Losing Their Shit

black fridayThe Daily Mail

Right up there with Disneyland, apple pie, and black people being wrongfully murdered by police, Black Friday is one of America’s most sacred traditions. Falling on the Friday after Thanksgiving it’s a day when retailers offer massively reduced prices in a bid to kick start the seasonal shopping season. It’s a sort of weird celebration of retail capitalism in which people-turned-zombies engage in organised looting so that their overweight child doesn’t miss out on whatever meaningless Christmas present will be discarded into the wardrobe by January. According to Black Friday Death Count, so far, 7 people have died and 98 have been injured in shopping related incidents on Black Friday.

Over the last few years the Black Friday phenomenon has, like McDonalds and oil wars, spread from America to colonise the globe with Black Friday deals now being offered in the UK, Australia and Europe. But besides massively good deals on electronics and toys, what else can we expect to see on Black Friday?


Despite it looking like The Beatles are performing a one-off concert featuring Christ on vocals and giving out free eternal happiness to those who make it to the front row, these people are actually nearly stamping each other to death just to save a few dollars off some Urban Outfitters gear in these scenes from Thousand Oaks Mall, California.

Road Rage

rageKnox News

In 2012, 62-year-old Jerry Leon Poe, was left disappointed after one store sold out of a present he wanted for his grandson so decided to drive to the nearest store in the hopes that it was in stock, presumably because poor little Johnny’s life will be utterly ruined if he doesn’t get that submarine Action Man or whatever not worth the trouble bullshit he wanted. On Jerry’s way to the next store he becomes agitated that the woman in front of him isn’t driving fast enough for him to rush to the store so instead of sitting there quietly seething or realising the pointlessness of the whole thing, he gets out of his car and fires a warning shot at the woman to speed her along. Thankfully, in the car behind Jerry, the woman’s sergeant husband was also driving and arrested him on the spot. Moral of the story, if you want to get the best gifts, don’t randomly shoot other people.

Getting Pepper Sprayed

Pepper spray is a great non-lethal weapon used to subdue attackers in situations where you might be physically harmed, raped or even killed. However it’s not okay to pepper spray some random shopper in the face just cause they also reached for the last Xbox on the shelf. But one woman in Porter Ranch, Los Angeles in 2011 reportedly pepper sprayed up to 10 fellow customers who had to be treated for caustic burns at the scene. The woman, who was able to leave the shop with her purchase, was never caught.

Gun Fight At The Toys ‘R’ Us Coral

There’s millions says Geoffrey all under one roof, including gun deaths and mayhem, it’s called Toys ‘R Us, Toys ‘R Us, Toys ‘R’ Us. In Palm Desert, California two men reportedly shot and killed each other in wild west scenes at a Toys ‘R’ Us that began out in the car park, moved through the store before ending just at the checkouts. The exact nature of the dispute isn’t believed to be over a specific toy but is suspected to be over a car parking space.

Being Fucking Trampled To Fucking Death

As morbidly funny as some of these Black Friday stories may be, there’s nothing funny about when a Wal-Mart worker was literally trampled to death by a crowd of 200 people. In 2008 Wal-Mart employee, Jdimytai Damour, was killed when “an out of control mob” smashed through a store front in Long Island and trampled him to death, just so they could save a few quid on purchases they most likely didn’t actually need. Jdimytai wasn’t the only person who was left for dead by reckless shoppers on Black Friday, Walter Vance, a 61-year-old man collapsed while shopping and was ignored by rushing shoppers before later dying.

Following incidents like these retail workers now have to undergo special training to work on Black Friday and in some stores legally only staff who volunteer to work are on shift that day. When the risks are getting shot at, pepper sprayed or even killed then I’d definitely forgo the time-and-a-half wages and take the fucking day off.