Your favourite porn sites always have your back, like a reliable Old Faithful, ready with the tissues whether you need to laugh or cry…
PornHub and YouPorn may have born witness to your every emotional high and low, but now the adult entertainment site has taken their due diligence one step further.
The websites have promised to protect your privacy against the Republican administration’s worrisome rollbacks, which will allow online data collectors to track the type of porn you watch.
Thanks to a woeful system of sex education across most of the prudish Western civilisations – and a joyful sexual liberation in young people – most of you have purveyed online porn at some point.
But because it’s still taboo to watch two (or more) people bump uglies on your television screen, and expressing your sex fetishes is the stuff of nightmares, presumably the vast majority of you wouldn’t want people knowing your particular penchant for porn.
Well, sadly, that’s the kind of trauma the current political administration are inadvertently proposing to subject you all to.
On Tuesday, House Republicans voted to repeal a set of landmark privacy protections for internet users which prevented companies like ComCast and Verizon from mining and analysing customer information including browsing habits, location and usage history without our permission.
These FCC broadband regulations, championed by the Obama administration and due to come into effect in December 2017, had set limits on how Internet providers could use that information.
They sought to give consumers more control over the data they generate, requiring companies to request access to private data from the internet user directly.
The Republican rollback of these measures effectively allows providers to access and use a wide range of customer data without seeking their users’ explicit consent.
This is particularly bad news for porn site users, who don’t want another Ashley Maddison style attack on their privacy.
Enter: PornHub and YouPorn, who are ‘offering encryptions that prevent ISPs [internet service providers] from tracking the type of porn you watch’ and recently switched to Hypertext Transfer Protocol Secure (HTTPS) to increase your security.
The measures will make it much harder for third parties to penetrate (sorry) your porn habits.
Which is great news if you’re not keen on your social media algorithms knowing you’re into BDSM and advertising bondage gear to your mum when she borrows your iPad to show your Auntie Jean some nice holiday snaps.
Think about it, people. Porn now cares more about you than the very American government you elected – and, in their own words: “Welcome to 2017.”
Just don’t shake their hand when you thank them.