The Pros & Cons Of Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse
It’s becoming increasingly likely that the world is going to shit – what with global warming, religious oil wars and a potential Donald Trump presidency.
So, it’s up to our generation to do the prudent thing and at least entertain the idea that the second half of our lives will be lived, hand-to-mouth, in some kind of post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland.
Put it this way, if there is some kind of top secret U.S. military ‘rage’ virus in existence, do you think Donald Trump would have any qualms about using it against all the people he apparently hates, and thereby inadvertently unleash a bastard chymera on the world, turning vast swathes of humanity into brain-thirsty zombies while the rest of us eat cold beans from a can in a ditch?
Yep, it’s definitely happening. But is it going to be all bad?
PRO: You’ll Never Have To Worry About Money Again
Okay, so 90 per cent of humanity are now either dead or have become infected with a virus that, rather than killing them painfully, pollutes their mind and turns them into mindless eating machines who view the rest of humans (ie. you) as a tasty snack.
But, hey, at least you don’t have any more money worries. That’s something, right?
You could be horribly eaten at any second but you’ll never have to pay rent, queue in the bank, watch doom-laden economic news or worry about taxes ever again.
CON: Watching Your Family Die
Are you fond of your family? Well, bad news mate because, unfortunately, in this post apocalyptic hell, chances are you’re not going to have one anymore – at least, not for very long.
Not only that, but the likelihood is that you’ll be forced to watch them die in horrific circumstances as you flee through an army checkpoint with a marauding gang of zombies at your heels.
Even if you do manage to survive for a few weeks, long enough to grow a steady and steely approach to killing, chances are that someone you love will become infected, start to turn into a zombie, and tearfully beg you to put a bullet through their head.
PRO: No More Kanye West
No more Kanye West. Or any annoying celebrity at all.
They’ll most likely all be dead, or living it up in some one per cent only Thunderdome haven with hot tubs, champagne and cocaine. The pricks.
Still, at least you’ll never again have to watch aghast as Kanye does something utterly reprehensible like defend Bill Cosby or try to sing.
CON: Being Part Of The Food Chain
The only situation presently that’s even remotely akin to living through a zombie apocalypse is, not Glastonbury, but fucking off to a jungle filled with deadly predators who could kill you at any moment.
In the post-apocalyptic environment and in the age of the zombie (which is definitely, 100 per cent happening), humanity will be back on the food chain, knocked off our perch as top predator by ourselves. How apt.
We won’t even be second predator either because, within a few years, the numbers of wolves and big cats will multiply exponentially meaning we’re probably going to occupy the same space on the food chain as a robin or a shrew.
PRO: Cool Shit To Play With Just Lying Around For Free
Even though humanity has been decimated and you’ve watched your family and friends all be killed, some by your own hand, there’s still some solace you can take in surviving.
Sure, you’ve got irreparable PTSD, but think of the possibilities of an endless world of cool shit to explore – you can walk onto the lot of an Aston Martin showroom and drive off with a DB9.
The roads might be littered with the smoking wreckage and corpses of humanity’s last flight but that’s just more fun obstacles to drive around and smash into.
It’s not only cars either, you’ll get to play with guns, explosives, and you’ll have free access to whatever you want!
Just picture yourself rocking through town on top of a tank wearing a £5,000 coat, an Armani Suit with a rocket launcher strapped to your back, a kilo of coke in your pocket, a crate of Dom Perignon in the back, and the tunes on loud!
It’s not a lot but it goes some way to compensate for the sheer horror you’ve witnessed.
CON: No More Internet
With the loss of the electrical grid, life as we know it will be utterly changed, not least by the fact that we’ll no longer have the Internet.
A world of knowledge committed to silicon chips and clouds – all gone without the means to power it.
Books and any scrap of writing – like how to grow root vegetables – which would normally be available at the touch of a button, will become highly sought after and necessary.
If you’ve never pictured yourself having a knife fight over instructions on how to gut a fish, then start picturing it.
PRO: No More Internet
On the other hand, there’ll be no internet!
That means no constant need to check emails, update Facebook, browse needless shite on Instagram, form the perfect 140 character tweet, etc.
Just think of the amount you’ll get done by virtue of the fact that you’re not mindlessly scrolling through a Facebook Newsfeed for six hours a day.
I mean, you’ll be too busy trying to fortify your survival bunker with barbed wire and food rations to actually use the time to take up yoga or read more but, still, at least you won’t be glued to a screen reading a think piece on how Kim Kardashian’s arsehole (Kanye) has been given the lead role in the new James Bond movie.
CON: No More New Movies, TV Shows, Music, Games Or Books
In the extremely small chance that Hollywood somehow escapes the worldwide zombie epidemic it’s still likely that everyone will be too busy listening to the sound of their own stomach’s rumble to think about making any new shit for us to watch.
No new films, TV shows, books, video games, music… nothing.
Without new television to watch, we’ll have to do the unthinkable and actually communicate with each other.
PRO: No More New Movies, TV Shows, Music, Games Or Books
Thankfully though, with the decimation of any creative industries, you’ll finally be able to finish that mountain of TV shows, films, books and games that people keep constantly recommending to you!
You’ll have to squeeze it in between the hours of manning the wall and spiking zombies in the brain, of course, but eventually you might finally finish Breaking Bad.
As the food supply of mostly tinned food begins to dwindle in the months and years following the collapse of civilization, the cold red spectre of cannibalism will rear it’s ugly head.
Imagine it, you’re sat in some hovel, cheerfully deboning your recently deceased best friend’s thigh as the juice of his iron-rich liver you’ve eaten as a starter runs down your bearded chin. Huh, I think I’ll become vegetarian now…
So there you have it, the world will take on the hue of a bleak, red-misted battle for survival where eating people you once loved is a not-too-distinct likelihood.
But, on the bright side, at least you won’t have to worry about literally everything else that currently matters. Now that’s freedom!