Are the recently outlawed Swegways actually just misunderstood skateboards that will soon become the indispensable method of urban transport? Or are they a silly gimmick on which thrill-seeking kids and out of shape dads can break their ankles while trying to impress some other cretin? Here’s the UNILAD guide to all things Swegway…
They’re A Handy Way To Let The World Know You’re A Feckless Muppet
Struggling to find an easy way to showcase how much of a gormless simpleton you are? Thankfully there are ways that you can make yourself immediately identifiable as a feckless muppet at a glance. Alongside man buns, wearing a Man City jersey, or having a neck tattoo, riding a Swegway can act as undeniable proof that you are in fact an A-Grade bellend, without having to go to any effort at all. How nice for you.
Robbie, briefly glancing away from Dan Bilzerian’s Instagram account, said:
For years, strangers never knew I was a muppet because I haven’t yet got my IQ score tattooed to my forehead. They didn’t know I leave comments under YouTube videos and send my friends invitations to play games on Facebook. There was just no immediate indicator to let everyone know I’m a moron. Thankfully, the Swegway has changed all that. Now whenever people see me riding one down the street, perhaps while wearing a bandana, and talking loudly on my phone, they can just look over and think ‘what a class-A cunt’.
They Give You Something To Burn Your Money On After You’ve Bought Adam Sandler’s Back Catalogue
Despite the concerted efforts of global capitalism to create a constant barrage of useless nonsense for humans to buy, like the Daily Star, Adam Sandler movies, and flavoured condoms, sometimes we run out of needless shite, and have to come up with things for people with too much time and money on their hands, because you know, it must be hard for them sometimes. When rich idiots like footballer Mario Balotelli, or dick-brandishing popcunt, Justin Bieber, run out of islands to buy, they can distract themselves from the dawning realisation of their own special brand of expensive cuntiness by buying unnecessary garbage like Swegways.
Mario, stepping out of his ridiculously coloured Bentley, said:
I bought fifteen of them, I strapped them together, got a remote control and drove them across a football pitch during a Milan Under 18s match. Twelve players broke their ankles and will never play again, it was hilarious, but now the club are planning to punish me. It’s not fair, why always me?*
B List Celebrities And Desperate Politicians Will Whore Them Out For Cash/Publicity/Cash And Publicity
Like scooters, space hoppers, and fascism, they’re a fad that will blow up for a year before falling back into relative obscurity, doomed to be glimpsed on talking heads-style TV shows where useless old tat is wheeled out and ‘fondly remembered’ by B list celebrities for money. Expect the Swegway to be marketed to kids by some pop star clone, have a middle-aged politician with a desperate need to be ‘hip’ fall off one, and be gathering dust in a shed near by you next February.
*This is a work of fiction, we didn’t really have an interview with Balotelli. He rolled away from us on his Swegway.