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Christmas jumpers are iconic, often outlandish, embarrassing, and ridiculously extra – and they really reveal a whole lot more than just your Christmas spirit.
Whether you choose to wear a light-up, flashing red-nosed reindeer jumper, or a biblical meme, be careful what you choose for the next Christmas-do, because your jumper is reflective of not just the festive season, but your personality too.
So if, like Bridget Jones, you run the risk of being flung towards your Mark Darcy by your mother, who believes too strongly in Mariah Carey’s preaching that Christmas shouldn’t be spent alone, then think very carefully about what your jumper could say about you.
Here is UNILAD’s guide to help you choose which party pullover you should be wearing this festive season.
The basic print
You don’t really have any Christmas spirit if you wear this one, do you? Much too caring about your appearance to get silly in celebrating the festivities, you are likely the Scrooge of your friendship group and take life just a bit too seriously.
Either that, or you’re the popular Princess who has to look fashionable at all times.
Quite frankly, you deserve coal in your stocking.
You are likely the joker of the group, the loudest, and you love to be the centre of attention. You have a ‘Go big or go home’ attitude, and when it comes to Christmas jumpers, the tackier and bolder the better.
You probably make cringey jokes, have an annoying laugh, but are great fun nonetheless.
Most likely to spike the Christmas pudding with even more alcohol, and try and kiss someone underneath the mistletoe, your flashing jumper may not quite steal the show when you’re the one who gets too drunk, makes a rogue comment, and has to be taken home.
The reindeer/animal jumper
You’re the cute one in the group. You wouldn’t hurt a fly and breeze through life annoyingly easily. You’re like a kid at Christmas, and probably still believed in Santa by the age of 14.
Likely having grown up in a quaint little village, you’re a country bumpkin-type who gets tipsy off just a few sips of rosé.
Or else you’re the Mark Darcy of the group, and may be soft and squidgy on the inside, but have a resting b*tch face on the outside. Your mum recommended you wear an animal to look more approachable, so be quiet and let Rudolf do the talking.
The film quote/ print
We get it, you do drama. Or if you haven’t studied drama, then you’re the person in the group who has watched so many films and television programmes that you’ve substituted them for a personality. You no longer have any chat apart from spouting lines from shows such as Peep Show, The Office, and Gavin and Stacey.
People sometimes laugh at you rather than with you, because no, we don’t recognise the line that occurred at minute 14 of episode 12 of People Just Do Nothing, or that reference from the millionth season of Friends.
You’re quite immature, probably below 5ft 10, or at least add a couple of inches onto your Hinge profile. You have a quote in your Tinder bio, but to give you your dues, you tend to be better looking in than your pictures.
The religious meme
You are the epitome of not-religious and just get involved in Christmas for the chance to drink an unholy amount of booze.
You’re likely the cool one of the group and don’t need to shout about being funny like those in light-up jumpers. Instead, sarcasm is your choice of wit.
You don’t make the first move, you let people come to you, you ooze effortlessness, and are a banging night out. You have survived many a family-do – only from sneaking outside every 10 minutes to smoke like a chimney when your parents aren’t looking.
The famous person
Like a spaniel, you are eager to get involved, but don’t need to be the life and soul of the party – you’re happy to pass round the snacks.
You’re a great friend and are generally content in life with no qualms with anyone.
Your jumper pays tribute to a celebrity such as Sir David or else you’re still obsessed with a boy band like JLS or One Direction – they may have split up, but your love for them reigns on. A testament to your loyal personality.
The food jumper
Your priority at Christmas is the food and nothing else. Whoever said that the festive season was about finding love – I’m looking at you, Mariah – was grievously mistaken.
You say it how it is, despite how those around you may not always like your bluntness and honesty. But at least they can’t ever accuse you of being two-faced.
Not religious, and knowing that alcohol just fuels festive family arguments, you know that food can always be relied on.
You’re likely single and have been for a while, but you make single look the dream – who needs a partner when you have the comfort of food? A fan of Netflix and chilling alone, you like the odd pint but you prefer a takeaway and a night-in scrolling YouTube for clips from Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.
The British flag/ patriotic jumper
You’re the Tory of the group, and definitely not a closet one. You voted Brexit and you eat your Christmas dinner with your mother’s best set of silverware or china.
You stand during the Queen’s speech and your favourite part of the meal is the pigs in blankets.
You will likely fall asleep in the afternoon after having gotten pink-cheeked from drinking too much port or red wine.
The Christmas logo/ quote
A sickeningly sweet saying is emblazoned across your chest. You have multitudes of Yankee Candles, and diffusers scattered across your home.
You likely own rose gold kitchenware, drink pink prosecco and curl your balyage-d hair.
You’re the organisational queen of the group, colour-coordinate your children’s, or dog’s and boyfriend’s outfits, and your favourite festive film is Love Actually.
If you’ve gotten to this stage, then please don’t take the jumper analogies to heart.
Your jumper really doesn’t have to say anything about you at all, other than the fact you’re cold.
It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.
If you have a story you want to tell, send it to UNILAD via [email protected]
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