So it’s Christmas again, that magical time of year when you’re forced to buy crap for people you usually avoid, dance to novelty music while wearing novelty clothes and eat turkey that’s dryer than the fanny of a nun on eccies in the Sahara. It’s okay to not enjoy it as much as everyone else is pretending to, don’t worry, they’re not having any fun either. Bah, fucking, humbug.
It’s Cold, And No Amount Of Tinsel Is Going To Change That
Cold is only good when it’s a word used to describe the glass of beer you’re holding, in all other situations – how your crush is treating you, the surface of Pluto, the temperature of a human body – it’s basically the worse of descriptions. Christmas is no different, so even though you’re a bit drunk and the Christmas lights do tickle your nostalgia bone you’re still not basking in the sun by the pool, drinking margaritas and laughing.
Twats Are Wearing Christmas Jumpers
Normally it’s quite difficult to spot the twat in its natural habitat. If they didn’t have any visible neck tattoos or loud commerical dance music squeaking from their Beats by Dre headphones you’d ordinarily have to wait for them to tell you they support Chelsea or use the phrase ‘bespoke eatery’ to describe a restaurant before you knew you were dealing with a twat. At Christmas though you can spot them easily, they’ll be the guys wearing novelty Christmas jumpers vomiting outside a pub where they’ve stopped off on a 12 Pubs twat-convention. They’ll claim to be wearing the jumper ironically but are obviously enjoying wearing them far too much for that to be any kind of defence.
You Can’t Go Anywhere Without Hearing Awful Christmas Music
Christmas music occupies the same space where wasteful novelty tat like aprons that say Kiss The Chef, charity hit singles and churned out Christmas-themed films live, a place where Cliff Richard and Tim Allen homo-erotically back slap each other while imagining the money that idiots and the parents of idiots will waste on their films and music. The only good Christmas song ever recorded is Fairytale of New York by The Pogues & Kirsty McColl, that gets a pass but all the Mariah Carey nonsense doesn’t count as music, it’s basically just noise for people to shop to.
Having To Interact With Family Members You Hate Because Christmas
Just because it’s Christmas time you’re going to be forced to make empty pleasantries with those members of your extended family who you actively think are terrible people. Normally this will be a cocksure, boozy uncle with a misplaced belief in their own hilarity who ends up annoying everybody at dinner by purposely being a loud, stroppy cunt. It’s the Yuletide equivalent of being forced to take a job as Danny Dyer’s PA.
Spending Money On Presents That Could Be Better Spent On Almost Anything Else
Despite what rap videos and celeb culture want you to think, splashing cash around like a coked-up Hilton isn’t something to be enjoyed and relished. Spending all year worrying and saving then splashing outlandish amounts of cash on presents that will more than likely end up unappreciated in the bottom of a wardrobe isn’t baller, it’s sickening and wasteful. Save the money you’d have wasted on cards, selection boxes and perfume and book a holiday to Thailand instead. Don’t make it rain, just avoid the shit weather altogether.
Ruining Your Health By Drinking & Eating Copious Amounts For The Whole Season
If you want a good indication of how pointless and unhealthy Christmas is then all you need to do is have a glance around your local gym around the start of January and see all the red-faced stressed people who’ve spent the last two weeks addling their bodies with booze and straining their waistband with food struggling to breathe as they sweat on a rowing machine.
New Year’s Eve
Anyone who actually enjoys going out on New Years is a vacuous twat who enjoys queuing for two hours to overpay into a club where they’ll be jostled for three hours while some shitbag DJ presses play on a Beatport Top 10 playlist. It’s basically Ibiza without the the sunshine.
Is There Anything In The World More Pointless Than A Christmas Cracker?
Unless you like receiving shit jokes and paper hats as a gift then you’ll agree that Christmas crackers beat Robbie Savage’s football punditry, the female orgasm and nipples on men as the most pointless things in existence. They can only be improved if they were made more accurate so that every time you pulled a cracker you were treated to a punch in the face and a printed quote from Albert Camus about the pointlessness of existence and by default, Christmas crackers.