Top GP Diagnoses Santa Claus With Gout, Alcoholism And Lyme Disease

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year, except if you’re Father Christmas, cause he suffers from gout, Lyme disease and alcoholism. 

Well, according to one leading GP. Professor Helen Stokes-Lampard said Santa would pick up Lyme disease from tick-laden reindeer and gout and alcoholism from his diet.

It’s a refreshing piece of news, given that the man spends 11 months of the year judging our own behaviour. How about yours St Nick, you fat drunk piece of s***? Try that on for size will you.

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Stokes-Lampard wrote:

He’s overweight and all of us do our bit to add to his obesity by leaving mince pies and cookies for him and milk or alcohol.

He may have gout, he may have alcoholism – there’s a real bit of binge drinking going on.

There are also issues with sleep deprivation, work stress, his mental health.

Lyme disease is another potential one as reindeer can carry ticks.

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Offering advice and how Santa could lose some weight, she added:

Although he sets a brilliant example of good behaviour and teaches the importance of giving rather than receiving, he could probably do more to encourage healthy lifestyles – something youngsters and adults alike can benefit from.

Santa is almost certainly living with multiple morbidities which, if left untreated, can become increasingly distressing and debilitating.

If Mr Claus was a patient at my practice, I would be encouraging him to adopt a vastly healthier diet and take more exercise in the new year.

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She continued:

I’d also be keen to address his binge drinking, something which many people – perhaps even unknowingly – tend to do while celebrating Christmas.

The human body can only process one unit of alcohol per hour, which means excessive consumption could make Santa drunk very quickly. This not only increases the likelihood of him slipping in the snow or mixing up important presents, but could also lead to long-term issues affecting his mood and mental health.

In the meantime, I would recommend that Santa gives the sherry a miss this year – and maybe asks Rudolph if he can share his carrots.

Santa Claus is coming to the Priory!