Lord Of The Rings Was Actually A Drugs War Started By The Hobbits

The Lord of the Rings/New Line Cinema

The hobbits, with their cute Shire and big hairy feet, always felt like the true innocents of The Lord Of The Rings.

They were all about second breakfasts, merriment and ale. Only the threat of Middle-earth being engulfed by evil could lure them from their cosy hobbit holes.

However, a new theory from writer, podcaster and ex pro-wrestler Matt Wallace suggests there is more Walter White than Gandalf the White to these jolly little fellows…

In a series of tweets, which pretty much add up to a mini-essay, Matt argues how ‘the Hobbit economy makes no f*cking sense unless Hobbits are running a secret drug empire spanning Middle Earth’.

His argument is weirdly convincing…

Matt goes on to explain how evil necromancer Sauron, whom he describes as being the ‘original kingpin’, kicked off the whole seedy enterprise.

After the anti-drugs elves knocked him from his insidious throne, the hobbits seized the opportunity to become top dog in the pipe-weed trade, using their sweet, lazy reputation as a unique sales tactic.

The hobbits were able to accumulate enough wealth to maintain their prosperous, six-meals-a-day lifestyle.

However, ‘head of the Hobbit pipe weed cartel’ Bilbo Baggins didn’t get too comfy. He knew the whole shebang would fall down on their pointy ears should Sauron ever return.

Yep, Bilbo was super moral and reserved in the official story, but in reality he was a four-dimensional-chess playing criminal mastermind…

Crafty Bilbo was able to lie and scheme his way across Middle-earth, using his homely Hobbit persona to mask his true intentions.

Sixty years after Bilbo’s adventures in The Hobbit, the events in The Lord of the Rings saga begin.

At this point, Bilbo has grown tired of the weight of his kingpin crown and scarpers to live a simpler life with the Elves.

However, not before duping his younger cousin Frodo into becoming the new ‘Pablo Escohobbit’.

Despite being tricked into the illicit position, Frodo shows real resourcefulness and cunning.

Frodo eventually becomes as much of a cold hearted hard-ass as Bilbo himself, even bumping off Boromir once he got a little too wise.

Matt even reveals the true origin story of Gollum, which reveals tragic depths to the bug eyed, cave-fish eating creature.

I would pay so much money to see this grittier version directed by Peter Jackson…