Calling all Casanovas and die-hard romantics: Would you like to spend your married life with a stranger?
If you can think of nothing better than desperately hoping a Channel 4 dating algorithm will set you up with your one true love, before finding out it might’ve been best to grab a coffee and try before you buy, this one’s for you my crazy, stupid loving friends.
That’s right. Married At First Sight is calling all singletons to give over their matrimonial freedom to a total stranger for a new series of awkward telly.
Usually a big wedding marks curtains for rom-coms on the silver screen, but this is reality TV romantic comedy, and it flips the whole thing on its head.
For those of you who have never seen Married at First Sight, the show bosses get two people who have never met to walk down the aisle in front of their families and friends, and then follow them around as their marriage inevitably implodes in a big mess of Very British Social Anxiety.
It’s a little like watching a commitmentphobe have The Talk:
Obviously, most of the couple’s split after moving in together for a few months, and many hours of avoidance tactics, trying not to overlap on the toilet schedule.
The show has proven so popular it ever sparked some international spin-offs, including Married At First Sight Australia. The Aussies have fewer social obligations to politeness than us Brits, too, so it’s even more painful to watch.
Just take a look at this:
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Never mind sweet nothings. A disappointed groom muttered ‘oh sh*t’ when he saw his bride for the first time and it’s truly painful to watch.
Having signed up to Married At First Sight in Australia, the pub manager named only as Sean D, had nothing but expletives for his bride-to-be, single mum of two, Jo.
What makes this mind-numbing reality TV – and the groom’s ability to jump to such a snap judgement – quite so painful to watch is Jo’s excitement over her betrothed.
She later told the cameras:
My expectations have been met, and then some. To infinity and beyond. Winning! Jackpot! I’ve won the lotto!
The experts have been spot on! He is for me. He couldn’t be anymore perfect.
You might want to hold of scoffing at the idea too quickly. For some, it can be fruitful both in the romantic sense and financially.
You can watch their first ever meeting of minds in the clip below:
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Some are lucky in love and reality TV – just ask Jess and Dom who longly celebrated their faux eternal bliss in bikinis like on telly recently in a truly unholy union.
Meanwhile if it doesn’t work out, you can always just get a pet:
You also must be over 18 to take part, and cannot be have been married before, or have any children, because that would just be straight up cruel for the unsuspecting kids.
If you’re still feeling up for it and want to apply, you need to send your name, phone number, age, location and email address to [email protected].
A former emo kid who talks too much about 8Chan meme culture, the Kardashian Klan, and how her smartphone is probably killing her. Francesca is a Cardiff University Journalism Masters grad who has done words for BBC, ELLE, The Debrief, DAZED, an art magazine you’ve never heard of and a feminist zine which never went to print.