Everyone knows Marmite, and everyone knows if they love it or hate it and its dark, yeasty secrets hidden within.
Think about it, what even is Marmite? If someone asked you to go and make some Marmite right now, where dd you even start? Mix some yeast and… tar? Melt some bread?
Love it or hate it, luckily we don’t have to make it. Marmite is one of the few food items that will always be better bought from a shop and not homemade.
Check out Marmite’s latest mind control technique here:
Marmite, or what I like to call ‘the black hole of things you spread on toast’, first appeared in 1902. And now, for the first time ever, the makers are looking for people who hate the stuff, and they mean really hate the gross gooey stuff, in the hope of converting them into lovers.
Because tastes can change, right? I mean, everyone loved mullets back in the day, but where are they now?
Instead of changing the haters’ minds by offering them tasty Marmite treats however, the creators are conducting a ‘unique mind control experience’ that will encourage them to ‘ditch sugar-filled alternatives and broaden their breakfast horizons’.
Fancy some mind control? Course you do. You can apply here.
We're searching for the country's biggest Marmite Hater. Is it you?
Apply for #MarmiteMindControl today https://t.co/NLPocpVj1S
T&C: https://t.co/Hl2YOPyVi7 18+ UK/ROI 5 Winners End 31/10 pic.twitter.com/xaFKb2AR2K
— Marmite (@marmite) October 5, 2019
Participants will be asked to answer a series of questions on the website, before a panel of tasters will be selected. Once finalised, the lucky guinea pigs will travel to London ‘to watch a powerful hypnosis film, under strictly controlled conditions’.
Marmite predict the hypnosis film to be so powerful it cannot be distributed widely or viewed by anyone under the age of 18. Trained hypnotist, hypnotherapy trainer and best-selling author, Rory Z Fulcher, who was consulted in the development of the campaign, will oversee the experiment as the winners are taken through a series of mind control techniques designed to change their taste perceptions, converting them into Marmite lovers.
— Marc Lewis (@SCA2Dean) September 25, 2019
In order to change the taste perceptions of our participants, I’ll be using hypnotherapy techniques. These are used to create positive, measurable changes in thoughts, behaviours and habits.
In order to take part, our participants have to want to be hypnotised because hypnosis is a self-generated state, which means if someone doesn’t want to be hypnotised, then it’s highly unlikely they’ll go into a hypnotic state.
We’re calling all Marmite haters that are willing and able to take part in this fun social experiment.
Want to be hypnotised so you can finally enjoy the earthy aroma of Marmite? Apply here if so.
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Charlie Cocksedge is a journalist at UNILAD. He graduated from the University of Manchester with an MA in Creative Writing, where he learnt how to write in the third person, before getting his NCTJ. His work has also appeared in such places as The Guardian, PN Review and the bin.