We’ve all seen lie detector tests on Jeremy Kyle but few of us have actually undergone one.
But have you ever thought about taking one, or more importantly, if you had to take one how you’d want to get around it?
If you’re a guilty sociopath with a strong desire to get off scot-free in any given situation, the answer is probably yes.
So how would you do it? Fail the test but demonstrate exemplary lying skills to convince prosecutors? Nope. You’d use your arse.
Doug Williams, who joined the Oklahoma police force in 1972, went to polygraph school and became an expert in lie detector tests.
However, as the years went on he rejected the tests as largely ineffective. This may have something to do with the fact nerves can make an innocent suspect show guilty results.
He told radio show This American Life:
I began to doubt the tests after a while, I knew I could control my breathing but I didn’t know for sure how to control the cardio and the blood pressure.
It wasn’t until my friend came in and started talking about the pucker factor and tightening up the anal sphincter muscle when he was under stress.
Yep. Clenching your anus is the go-to for all you liars out there.
After he left, I just hooked myself up to the polygraph test… and tightened up my anal sphincter muscle like I was trying to stop my bowel movements and low and behold there was the most gigantic, wonderful, naturally occurring cardio rise, accompanying a GSR rise.
Unluckily for Williams, he was prosecuted for obstruction of justice and mail fraud for releasing this info.
That doesn’t change anything, though, ’cause everyone now knows what they’re gonna do if they end up being berated by a scorned family member or partner on ITV daytime television. Clench the arse.