Incredible scenes today as it transpires supermarket chain Aldi has hired trained professionals to murder children in a mission to restore the sanctity of dinner time.
It’s not exactly what it sounds like of course. The above would be a genuinely chilling move that I’m fairly sure even the current government would have some objections to.
No, Aldi’s new campaign is a little tamer than that. What it’s actually done is enlist a squad of elite gamers to encourage video game-obsessed kids to leave the virtual world and head down to dinner with the family.
Back in my day, when my mum or dad called me down for dinner that was, funnily enough, the signal to stop playing and go and have food with my family. Clearly children today are anarchic hell beasts keen on destroying the old order. Or maybe modern parents need to get it together? Who can really say?
Either way, this new online service, created by McCann UK, allows parents to call on the services of pro gamers who will enter their child’s game online and “take them down”.
As Aldi writes: “now they’ll have no excuse not to be at the table when dinner’s ready.” Delightfully, devilish.
— Aldi Stores UK (@AldiUK) March 12, 2019
So how exactly can a parent go about enlisting the aid of one of these gamers with a particular set of skills? All you’d need to do is sign up via Aldi’s website between March 12 -31.
These “takedowns” will then be taking place between 5pm to 8:30pm on the date you specified when signup up, or between 12pm and 8pm if you chose March 31 (Mother’s Day).
David Hills, group director of marketing and communications at Aldi UK, said:
At Aldi, we understand the importance of family mealtimes, but know how tough it can be to get everyone together. From suggesting family-friendly recipes, to offering Teatime Takedowns, we’re committed to helping parents on their journey to reclaiming that all important family time.
It is worth noting that Aldi will need to you divulge your kid’s gamer tag so that the pro gamers can join the right games. Whether or not you really want a faceless retail giant holding onto information like that is up to you, I guess.
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Ewan Moore is a journalist at UNILAD Gaming who still quite hasn’t gotten out of his mid 00’s emo phase. After graduating from the University of Portsmouth in 2015 with a BA in Journalism & Media Studies (thanks for asking), he went on to do some freelance words for various places, including Kotaku, Den of Geek, and TheSixthAxis, before landing a full time gig at UNILAD in 2016.