Let’s be honest, we all know the original 151 Pokemon from gen 1 are the best, so let’s stop fucking around and get down to it – I’m ranking the lot from worst to best.
May God have mercy on my soul – and remember this is just an opinion on a series of video games aimed primarily at kids, so remain calm.
151: Mr Mime
Let’s not beat around the bush: Mr Mime is a properly creepy looking Pokemon, and nobody should want him in their party or near their kids.
The only reason Magikarp isn’t dead last is because it at least evolves into Gyarados at level 20 – but it’s a lot of flaccid splashing till then.
Hardly shocking, is it? This fucker is the Nicholas Cage of Pokemon, in that it’s absolutely fucking everywhere.
“Hey we need another Pokemon, dude” – “How about a Pokeball with eyes?” – “Fucking smashed it mate, LUNCH!”.
Nobody wants a rat on their team. You know those people who insist rats are actually really smart and it’s not weird to keep them as pets? Yeah, it’s weird.
When Pokemon and hate crime meet, Jynx is born.
There’s no room in my life for Gloom, Plus, it’s meant to stink – who wants that?
When you design a Pokemon that looks like a smiling tumour, you’ve gone very, very wrong.
“So yeah, we can do a slightly smaller Pokeball with eyes too – I just wanna go home at this point.”
Grimer is literally a pile of shit and if you like him you probably are too.
Raticate is a slightly cooler looking rat than Rattata, but it’s still a fucking rat.
Right, how does a pile of eggs evolve into a palm tree? If someone can please tell me, then I can sleep at night again.
Pretty much one of the most forgettable Pokemon around. Do you really want a pet fish in a world of dragons and cute electric mouses? I fucking don’t.
See what I said about Goldeen, but replace fish with crab.
Liking Venonat is like liking Nickelback – very few people do, and the ones who do won’t admit to it in public.
There is no point to this phallic weed of a Pokemon – but you just know lonely trainers abuse the poor things on cold, long nights.
Tentacool is a jellyfish. Nobody actually likes jellyfish. Tentacool needs to get back in the sea.
A Pokemon that is constantly pulling the :p face has no place in my world.
Did you guys know that pink bit isn’t Poliwag’s nose? It’s a fucking mouth. Blew my mind, anyway.
Kabuto evolves in Kabutops, so that’s pretty cool, especially given that it’s got nothing going for it as it is.
Meh. That’s pretty much all I have to say about Seel. Sorry.
If you have a choice between Pidgey and Spearow, and you choose Spearow, then there is something deeply wrong with you.
Nobody really likes bug Pokemon, do they? Beedrill is pretty cool, but Weedle ain’t no Beedrill.
Omanyte is kind of cute – and presumably delicious with a little garlic butter. Can’t wait till he evolves into Dr Zoidberg.
Tangela reeks a design team who just kind of gave up at this point. Love his red boots, though.
Pray for Doduo.
Mankey is a monkey which is cool, but he doesn’t seem like a very approachable monkey – this is a problem for me.
You knew this guy wasn’t gonna rank very high. It’s not his fault – he just dreams dreams of being a Beedrill.
The only reason I’ve put Metapod above Kakuna is because it has a slightly cooler name. They both look and sound a bit like sex toys, though.
Seaking isn’t that exciting, as far as Pokemon go, but it does look like one of those cool fish that you spend at least five minutes looking at in an aquarium, which is something.
Pokemon meets the Karate Kid. SWEEP THE LEG.
A popular Pokemon among the ladies, if you catch my drift.
I wouldn’t go near a Weepinbell by choice to be honest. Gives me the creeps.
Drowzee looks like a particularly odd Simpsons character, which I quite like.
Caterpie is kind of cute to be honest, isn’t it?
Pray for Dodrio.
Stick a hot dog in the ground, and you’ve got a Diglett.
Explain to me why people in Pokemon pay upwards of $10,000 for a bike when they could just ride one of these everywhere? Fucking mad.
Sandshrew is cute, chubby, and looks like it’s made of bricks, I’m a fan.
There’s nothing that impressive about Magnemite really, is there?
Is Ekans snake backwards, or is snake Ekans backwards? We may never know.
Omastar looks like some kind of freaky alien parasite, which is A-okay in my book.
Seriously, do the eggs become coconuts? Were they always coconuts? WHY IS IT A PALM TREE?
Slowpoke is just a chill guy, really. Let him do his thing.
Your first Pokemon might be Squirtle, Bulbasaur, or Charmander, but Pidgey is almost always the second Pokemon of choice. GG.
At the end of one of the most freakish chains of evolution waits Victreebel, a Pokemon that isn’t entirely shit, and nowhere near as freakish as its predecessors.
105 – 104: Nidoran (male and female)
They’re basically the same Pokemon, and given that I’m not trying to start some kind of hideous gender war, you can place them at 104 or 105 as you wish.
Muk is a larger pile of shit than Grimer, but it is actually quite a useful pile of shit.
Electabuzz always used to remind of sugar puff cereal. I’m aware that’s probably just me that sees it, but I needed to get it off my chest.
Abra might be a useless little turd that teleports away from danger like a pussy, but it does evolve into some of the best Pokemon ever.
I know nobody uses Farfetch’d in battle so it should be further down the list, but any Pokemon that carries around a vegetable with such pride has to make the top 100.
A Pokemon based on a kangaroo that seems to be named after Genghis Khan for some reason? I’m sold.
Pinsir is one cool looking motherfucker. That’s all I have to say on the subject.
Primeape looks like he’d knock seven shades of shit out of you if you spilled over his pint in the pub, but I guess some people want that from a Pokemon.
96 – 95: Nidorino and Nidorina
Again, not much difference between them save for a few stats, but they’re both cool guys with some funky moves.
I can never decide if Magmar looks cool or really fucking weird, but I know it has its fans.
I don’t know where Poliwag’s nose goes when it evolves into Poliwhirl, but I think we can all agree this is a pretty cool Pokemon.
Venomoth is basically Butterfree for goths, which is kind of cool.
When Seel grows up and becomes less of a dopey looking stoner fuck, it becomes Dewgong.
If Krabby went and told on you to his big brother, it’s Kingler that would come round to your house and snip your gonads off.
Weezing isn’t much better than Koffing, but I’ve always loved how the two heads look so sick of each other’s shit all the time.
Hypno looks like a homeless magician who went insane and painted himself yellow to try and spruce up his act.
Parasect is literally a mushroom that has taken control of Paras, hence the dead eyes. The Last of Us legit copied Pokemon Red & Blue.
Kabutops has fucking scythes for hands. It may never be able to hold its children, but it’s a damn killing machine.
Fearow’s name is much cooler than the actual Pokemon itself, but it’s still pretty cool.
Gotta be Tentacruel to be Tentakind. AM I RIGHT?
They could have made some crap generic Starfish Pokemon, but instead they decided to make some cool robot/fish looking hybrid. I approve.
Don’t think about the episode of the cartoon where Butterfree leaves. Just don’t. It’ll only ruin your day like it did mine.
Some may bemoan the fact that Magneton is just three Magnemite stuck together. I applaud the audacity of such a move.
Giant rock snake might sound like slang for your wang, but an actual giant rock snake makes for a fucking sick Pokemon.
Giant purple snake might sound like slang for your wang, but an actual giant purple snake makes for a fucking sick Pokemon.
Beedrill looks like a massive wasp monster, but is called Beedrill. Best not to think about and just enjoy the sweet design.
Where the fuck would the Pokemon Centres of the world be without Chanseys helping out? Poor underpaid, overworked bastards. Did Game Freak look at NHS nurses when they came up with this Pokemon?
The Rhino is already an inherently cool animal, and Game Freak clearly acknowledged, since Rhyhorn is basically just a rhino with some bells and whistles.
Golbat is almost like a nice reward for anyone who decides to put up with a Zubat’s shit for a few levels.
Wigglytuff gives it the biggun, even putting “tough” in its name, but it’s still just a lil cutie.
Graveler rocks. I’ll see myself out now.
Gloom might be a stinky freak that nobody wants to hang out with, but this groovy flower child is where it’s really at. You dig?
Kadabra is the second step in one of the coolest evolution lines in Pokemon. It’s also the most likely to fuck you up with a spoon.
What I love about Dugtrio is that its basically three Digletts that decided to hang together. Bros for life.
Paras is creepy yes, but at least it has free will, which is more than can be said for Parasect.
Cute lil seahorse dude just doing its thing. Don’t fight me on this one, or I will cut you.
One the biggest mysteries of my childhood was what the thing inside Closyter’s shell looked like. Drove me fucking crazy. Then I realised it is just a black ball with eyes. Gutted.
I like to think Slowpoke was trying to get a Shelder to throw it a cheeky blowjob, but the two ended up combining to make a Slowbro.
The hackerman of the Pokemon world. Legend says it’s seen all of our nudes.
A floating rock with arms defies all logic, even by Pokemon standards. I love it.
Wartortle has a lot going for it, but it does ultimately look like a Squirtle that let itself go.
Look at it go. A majestic motherfucker, is our Pidgeot.
When you’re hardcore enough to use bones as deadly boomerangs, then you can step to Marowak.
Are Hitmonchan’s gloves part of his body? Is there a store where all the Hitmonchan go to get the gloves custom made? I just don’t know.
Moltres may think it’s hot shit, but it’s actually the weakest of the legendary birds, in my humble opinion. Plus, it just kind of looks like someone set fire to a swan, which is treason in my country.
Some people probably wanna see Venusaur higher on the list. I don’t care. It’s a good dude, but not the best of the final starter forms.
Is Hitmonlee really better than Hitmonchan? Yes. And that’s all I have to say on the subject.
56 – 55: Nidoking and Nidoqueen
Nidoking and Nidoqueen are fucking awesome. Again, no real difference between the two apart from the fact that one has a pair of tits.
Having your Pidgey evolve into Pidgeotto for the first time is a memory I think every gamer remembers fondly.
Clefable might look it’s just woken up from a proper weed-induced nap (just look at those eyes), but it’s rare and not to be fucked with.
Why is Oddish so high up on the list? Because it’s a walking ball of joy and nothing can ever bring the grassy geezer down, that’s why.
I do enjoy Vaporeon, but I always thought there was something kind of fishy about it.
One day, this humble water sausage will become a mighty dragon. I think that’s kind of beautiful.
How is a Pokemon with a name like Poliwrath gonna do anything other than fuck your shit up?
Big old kitty cat with a massive jewel in its head. Really, what isn’t to like about Persian?
Awesome name, awesome design – awesome Pokemon.
If Edgar Allen Poe could have chose any Pokemon in the world to use, I think he’d be drawn to Ghastly. Tell me that isn’t fucking lit.
Nidoking lies in bed at night wishing it could be as ripped and buff as Rhydon. Fact.
A lot of water Pokemon are pretty fucking lame (see Seel, Krabby, et al). Seadra does not abide by this rule.
Charmeleon would be higher on this list, but it’s basically just a stop-gap between two awesome Pokemon. Plus it was kind of a dick in the animated series.
Machoke – the wet dream of wresting fans and Pokemaniacs everywhere. I’m not really sure if that’s a good thing or not, but I dig the belt.
Starmie is just fucking nice to look at, and combines the power of water with motherfucking MIND POWERS.
I would love to meet whoever pitched the idea of a “confused duck” as a Pokemon and give them a big hug.
I don’t know what the hell Clefairy is but I love it.
A majestic blue bird with the power of ice and a name like some kind of delicious European cocktail. I’m all about Articuno.
If you talk shit about Golem, it will roll into your town and crush your dreams.
If the male Pokemon fans felt a bit weird about wanting a pony, Game Freak kindly made it a pony that was born of fire and death (but probably not death).
Vulpix is cuter than any children or younger siblings you might have. Sorry.
Most people who are grinding for a Dragonite will probably end up getting quite attached to this second stage of its evolution. Rightly so.
I don’t know why Machoke grew extra arms or how his family deal with such a startling change, but I like it.
A flaming unicorn seems like something that should be on the front cover of an Iron Maiden album. Rapidash is pretty fucking metal.
He’s orange, he’s hard, he’ll burn you and leave you tragically scarred – it’s CHARMANDER.
Remember that episode of the show where we found out Meowth learned to talk just so he could talk to the human he was in love with? Yeah, that’s why Meowth makes the top 30.
We’ve all got a soft spot for Bulbasaur really, haven’t we? Look at its plucky lil face – it doesn’t know it’s almost always destined to come third.
Absolute cutie, is Mew. Also, it can learn any move, which is pretty baller.
I’m pretty much only putting Ditto this high on the list because it spends almost all its time getting ploughed by other Pokemon, and I don’t think we’ve ever asked as gamers whether or not Ditto is okay with that.
I honestly don’t know if there’s anything more metal than wearing your dead mum’s skull into battle.
Pokemon meets Jurassic Park, and the result is one of the coolest looking ‘mon ever.
Majestic, deadly, and in possession of nine times more tails than your average fox.
We all learned pretty quickly as kids that electric type Pokemon could fuck flying Pokemon. Enter a legendary bird MADE OF ELECTRICITY.
If Psyduck can grow up and get his shit together, so can you.
Personally, I think Raichu is way better than Pikachu – but I had to take lots of different things into consideration when making this list (no, really), so I have to settle for sticking it here.
Eevee is absolutely the most adorable fucking Pokemon around, and can branch off into all kinds of rad evolutions. Versatile and cute. That’s what we like.
Jigglypuff is a marshmallow nightmare with dreams of being a star. Does it not break your heart that all it wants to do is sing for people, but its voice puts people to sleep? That’s a fucking tragedy, man.
Flareon is probably the cutest of the original “Eeeveelutions”, and also one of the most useful if you decided not to go with Charmander.
Back in 1996, ghost Pokemon were allowed to look like actual ghosts. None of this haunted sandcastle bullshit that we’re seeing these days.
Lapras is such a cool Pokemon, man – just a happy lil sea monster going about its business.
Go, spiky electric dog/fox thing!
Easily the coolest stage in the Bulbasaur evolution line, and guaranteed to add a splash of colour to any garden.
As far as I’m aware, Squirtle is the only Pokemon that can pull off shades. Nicely done.
Growlithe is a very good doggo. I have a lot of time for this guy.
Not getting Dragonite till level 55 makes it an incredible reward – it’s also very cute and works as a postman in the cartoon, which I love.
We’re all Snorlax, really.
Sycther is an instrument of death, a fucking sick looking bug Pokemon, and is also capable of slicing carrots nice and fine.
One of the most useful and powerful Pokemon you could get back in the day. Anyone else would look a knob waving two spoons around. Not Alakazam.
Blastoise is a giant turtle with two fuck-off giant cannons on its back. Tell me that isn’t cool and I’ll come at you with everything I got.
I’m sure some of you will have a problem with Pikachu (the actual face of Pokemon) being so high. Well, you need to grow up. There’s a reason the fucker is everywhere, and that’s because people love him.
If I could only wish one Pokemon into reality, it would absolutely be Arcananine. It’s so fluffy, and fierce, and breathes fire – my favourite of all the doggomon.
An absolute behemoth of a Pokemon that soaks up damage like a tank and dishes it back out like the fishy bitch it is. Gyarados makes us all complete.
Mewtwo was the ultimate reward for gamers everywhere. Only after taking down the Elite Four could you track down this monster and claim him as your own after an intense battle – or you could just toss a Master Ball at his face and be done with it.
I don’t think many people appreciate just how awesome Gengar is. A super powerful ghost Pokemon, with the cold blooded eyes and smile of a straight up killa.
As if it was every gonna be anything else. Charizard is one slick motherfucker – an aerial, agile, fiery beast, and the best final evolution for any starter Pokemon around, to this day.
So there we have it. I’d make a joke about ranking gen two next, but this whole endeavour has left me utterly broken. I’m going now.