Like it or not, the live-action Sonic The Hedgehog is coming. Paramount Pictures recently released the first trailer for the blue-blur’s big screen debut, and it has taken the world by storm. Just not in the way I imagine SEGA hoped for.
While the internet spent the majority of its time criticising the design of Sonic himself in the wake of the trailer – to the point that the film’s director has now confirmed they’re going to redesign him – there’s one particularly dark take on the film regarding Sonic that even Paramount won’t be able fix.
I don’t even know how to begin to broach this theory, so I’m just going to come out with it, okay guys? Reddit basically thinks Sonic – whether accidentally or on purpose – mass murdered a bunch of babies in the new trailer.
Yes, it turns out there’s more to hate about this movie version of Sonic than his horrifically realistic teeth and strangely muscular legs. That’s at least according to Kroooooooo on Reddit, who did some very disturbing (but flawless) math to arrive at the troubling conclusion that everyone’s favourite hedgehog is in fact a supersonic monster.
As spotted by Twitter account Sonic SCANF, the irresponsible, chilli dog obsessed hedgehog caused chaos when, as per the trailer, he knocked out power “across the entire Pacific Northwest” with a burst of mutant speed.
While this might have seemed like a harmless, perhaps even cool looking moment in the trailer, the repercussions were swift and devastating. The Reddit post took statistics from the US and the UK, as well as birth rates and the percentage of babies who require neonatal care, to discover that the blackout Sonic caused would have ended the lives of around 491 newborns.
No wonder the military is after the scumbag.
Someone on Reddit calculated precisely how many babies Sonic kills in the trailer.
Jesus Christ pic.twitter.com/TKt5Efyjt9
— Sonic SCANF (@sonicscanf) April 30, 2019
This shocking discovery has caused something of a schism in the Sonic fandom. Some are now arguing that all hospitals have generators, and neonatal equipment has battery backups, while others are convinced that Sonic’s immense power would also destroy any back up equipment.
Whether Sonic killed those children or not (a sentence I never thought I’d write) I think we can all agree that his actions were either deeply careless or immensely evil. I don’t think the Mega Drive version of Sonic would ever pull something like this, that’s all I’m saying.
If you feel you can still look Sonic in the eye after all this, Sonic The Hedgehog is coming to cinemas on November 8. I can only pray that no babies were harmed during the making of the film.
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