Duke Nukem Can Now Legally Marry You, Because Why Not

by : Ewan Moore on : 02 Sep 2019 14:32
Duke Nukem Can Now Legally Marry You, Because Why NotDuke Nukem Can Now Legally Marry You, Because Why NotGearbox Software

A wedding day is a special thing. There’s cake, good food, lots of booze, you’re (hopefully) surrounded by pretty much everyone you love. I wish I could relive my wedding day all over again. d


I was so happy with my big day that there’s very little I would ever have changed about it. That was before I discovered that Jon St. John – the voice of Duke Nukem himself – offers his services to legally marry you and your partner. Now, I’m just filled with a cold, numb regret that isn’t going away.

Gearbox Software

To be clear, this wouldn’t just be Duke Nukem getting up at the end of the ceremony and declaring you husband/wife, husband/husband, wife/wife. Jon St. John has actually gone and made himself a legally ordained minister, which means he can marry you good and proper.

This incredibly strange but hugely welcome news was revealed by the man himself on Twitter, who is now officially offering his services to anyone looking to tie the knot with the help of Duke Nukem. It’s the kind of thing my in-laws would never have agreed to pay for, but that’s how you know it’s really good.


St. John also confirmed that he’d be willing to marry you as any of the characters he’s played, so if Duke Nukem isn’t really your speed, you could kick off a life with your partner with the guiding words of… erm… Big the Cat, from Sonic Heroes. I reckon I’d stick with Duke Nukem, but you do you.

Hopefully St. John’s new side hustle proves lucrative and inspires a wide range of video game voice actors to get ordained and offer a similar service. Who wouldn’t want Nolan North to marry them while pretending to be Nathan Drake? Or Steve Downes, the original voice of Master Chief?

If I had a choice, I’d get Mario actor Charles Martinet to marry me. Him, or Fujiko Takimoto, who played young Link in The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time.

A short series of high-pitched Link-style “hyah’s,” from Takimoto, a couple of “I dos,” from myself and the bride, and then it’s off to the dancefloor for some “Come On Eileen.” No mess, no fuss. Lovely.

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Ewan Moore

Ewan Moore is a journalist at UNILAD Gaming who still quite hasn't gotten out of his mid 00's emo phase. After graduating from the University of Portsmouth in 2015 with a BA in Journalism & Media Studies (thanks for asking), he went on to do some freelance words for various places, including Kotaku, Den of Geek, and TheSixthAxis, before landing a full time gig at UNILAD in 2016.

Topics: Gaming, PC, retro gaming, Wedding