We’ve all had some messy nights out but one lad confessed on Reddit to the grossest night we’ve read about.
The unfortunate Redditor, who’s in the second year of university, went to a friend’s birthday party, where he managed to pull. He took the girl back to his house where they did the ‘nasty’ before he drunkenly passed out, blissfully ignorant of what was yet to come.
In the middle of the night, however, our sozzled hero woke up, with the funny feeling that his leg was a bit wet. Worried that he’d pissed the bed while drunk, he snuck to the bathroom to investigate. What he found will no doubt be burned into his brain for the rest of his life.
His entire right leg was completely coated in excrement from the waist down to his knee. He (obviously) began freaking out and checked “between his cheeks”, to his relief though, he was clean and “dingleberry free”.
Reasonably deciding that the next course of action should be washing the shit off himself, he jumped in the shower and came up with a plan for dealing with the ‘shit-uation’. Unfortunately, being drunk makes planning quite difficult, so he decided it was it was a problem for sober him to deal with before crashing out in his roommate’s empty bed.
Waking from his drunken slumber he shot up as the horrific events of last night came back to him. He rushed upstairs and pulled open the door to his room.
He described what he was met with:
The English language fails to describe the smell that met me. I was hit by an odour wave so powerful that I recoiled back a step, like when you open the oven door to a face full of steam. The smell overwhelmed my entire consciousness for a few moments, when I snapped out of the pungent daze I poked my head through the open door… carnage. Total Carnage.
He immediately began screaming for his roommate who bounded into the room and spotted the diarrhoea disaster. They both began pissing themselves with laughter, clearly the fumes had gotten to them. It was only when the roommate spotted his towel covered in shit in the middle of the room that the two pieced together what had happened.
The girl had clearly over-indulged the night before and ‘relieved herself’ in her sleep, all over the poor guy’s bed. At some point she obviously woke up, mortified at what had happened, and ran off before anybody could notice.
After recovering from the giggles though, the Redditor had to clean up this unfortunate mess.
Back upstairs, I gingerly crawled across my bare mattress to sniff where the main pile had lain. A lungful of shit told me that the mattress was also soiled through. Solution? Bread knife. I spent a good half an hour manically sawing through the fabric and inner material to remove the soaked half before I flipped the mattress. Good as new.
Thankfully, he did use more than just a bread-knife and got an industrial steam cleaner to make sure the stench was gone.
What a shitty night out.
More of a concept than a journalist, Tom Percival was forged in the bowels of Salford University from which he emerged grasping a Masters in journalism.
Since then his rise has been described by himself as ‘meteoric’ rising to the esteemed rank of Social Editor at UNILAD as well as working at the BBC, Manchester Evening News, and ITV.
He credits his success to three core techniques, name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake.