Ah modern romance, it’s all Instagram shots and snarky comments on Facebook, and when you find something like this you just can’t imagine life otherwise.
One broken love story is doing the online rounds as Susan was about to marry her long-term boyfriend in a blowout wedding to last the ages.
Everyone knows a nice Facebook rant is the best way to heal a broken heart, which is exactly where Susan aired her grievances for her friends and family to read, probably quite shocked after the things she called them.
You know what, this is going to get really repetitive if I just copy-paste everything written, so let me make my workload twice as hard by paraphrasing what’s going on here.
Susan’s cancelling her wedding four days before it’s supposed to happen. Social media is to blame, causing Susan ‘only paranoia and toxicity’. She’s off to South America for two months to find herself. She may be back online when she gets back and may be in touch if you ‘haven’t f*cking stabbed me in the back’. She calls everyone that’s ruined her marriage and loves the big C word.
It was a fairy tale to begin with. Met at 14. Engaged at 18 with a $5k ring. Pregnant at 20. She gave birth to Declyn and focussed on her career. So did he. They saved $15k for a wedding.
They wanted a fairy tale wedding for their fairy tale life and after consulting a psychic decided to go for the jmore expensive wedding option, in Aruba, for $60k. ‘All we asked was for a little help from our friends and family to make it happen.’
They ‘only asked each guest for around $1,500’. This is probably where things turn south. Apparently it was no biggie for the maid of honour who stumped up five grand or her in-laws to-be who offered to pony up $3,000. Everyone else could go to hell if they couldn’t pay. Exclusive wedding, yeah.
They were ‘f*cking livid’ when only eight people RSVPed. The in-laws backed out. ‘THE C*NT MAID OF HONOR’ did too. They set up a GoFundMe which raised £250. Tempers frayed between the couple.
He suggested they do it in Vegas instead. She didn’t like that and had a panic attack. Susan ‘just wanted to be a Kardashian for a day’ and then called her maid of honour ‘a filthy f*cking poor excuse of a friend’.
There was some dissing involving a boat. I don’t entirely understand what this means but it looks like everyone was getting fed up of Susan’s behaviour.
Susan’s had enough of her friends’ sh*t too. She’s f*cking off and says she’s living her life alone now, which isn’t entirely shocking.
In a further twist, comments appeared online from someone claiming to be Susan’s cousin, who has given a bit of background.
Susan is apparently a real person, even if the words in the messages don’t really resemble that of a ‘living breathing human being’. And she’s rather envious of the Kardasahians, Kylie Jenner in particular.
Something similar happened involving Royal Baby carriages (British English: an old school pram) which she demanded several thousand dollars for.
The cousin believes Susan is ‘very insecure about her status’ but does ‘hope for her healing and recovery because she wasn’t raised to be like this’.
And apparently Susan’s probably not going to South America on the basis she’s never left the country and doesn’t speak anything other than English.
Naturally this whole thing is so entertaining and completely bizarre it’s got a lot of people wondering if it’s even real. It’s been shared on Mumsnet, and by plenty of others on social media who are desperate to find out if Susan got her dream wedding in the end. It certainly doesn’t look like she did.
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Tim Horner is a sub-editor at UNILAD. He graduated with a BA Journalism from University College Falmouth before most his colleagues were born. A previous editor of adult mags, he now enjoys bringing the tone down in the viral news sector.