When you get engaged there’s loads of things you can’t do anymore e.g. keep the local Wetherspoons in business or expect to watch Game of Thrones as it’s being aired or talk about Brexit. For Meghan Markle marrying into the royal fam is going to give her a don’t list that will have you scratching your head.
To avoid being called out as sexist, this will be phrased as such: if anyone grew up wanting to marry a royal to escape their roots, it turns out for all the whistles, bells and ten gun salutes, it’s a massive ball ache because there’s loads of fun normal stuff you’re not allowed to do as a royal.
Did I say fun? Some of these are down right pedestrian. But let’s all laugh at the monarchy from our ivory puddles while they have to struggle with their traditions and money. Mainly bitter about the hoarding of the money tbh.
Have her own social media
If you join the fam, you’ve got to fall in line with the official social media accounts of the fam. That’s probably not exactly how the rulebook is written, but it’s believed Meghan will join the Kensington Royal social account. No more crafty pics from work for you, Meghan.
Leave the house on her tod
Nipping down to Nisa for some scratchies – that’ll require security. Need a pint of milk – ‘May I accompany you, Maam?’ Lonely pint in the Rovers Returns while watching the latest hopeless outing of Jose’s overpaid motley crew – no chance. This one sounds like it would be a right pain. I like my alone time.
Take selfies with those stupid dog filters
This isn’t even limited to the stupid dog selfie filters, which to be fair is a decree that should be applied to all who abode on this sceptred isle, but to selfies FULL STOP. (That’s English for ‘period’, my American friends.) Turns out Meghan learnt the hard way on her first official event. Pretty mean rule for a millennial really.
Meghan is learning the royal ropes already, telling one couple who asked for a selfie in Nottingham today: “We’re not allowed to do selfies.”
— Victoria Murphy (@QueenVicMirror) December 1, 2017
Vote in any elections
The official parliament website says ‘Although not prohibited by law, it is considered unconstitutional for the Monarch to vote in an election’ and while this may only apply to the Queen, a royal insider told Newsweek members of the royal family ‘close to the Queen’ do not exercise their right to vote. Well, I’m not giving up my democracies just to get in a royal pair of pants.
‘There is no actual etiquette or royal protocol that says the couple must refrain from PDA,’ Myka Meier, a royal etiquette expert, told People in 2016 about why we never see the sexy side of Wills and Kate. While Meghan Markle‘s been bending some rules, it’s hardly likely we’ll see them necking tongues at any bus stops soon.
Cross her legs while sitting
I always thought it uncouth for a lady to sit with her legs wide open, but apparently for royals this rule doesn’t apply. Meghan will have to pick up what’s called ‘the Duchess slant’ from her sister-in-law. Bet it makes doing yoga incredibly dificult.
Go to sleep before the Queen
What do you mean, you don’t check to see what time the Queen goes to bed and then make sure you’re in bed at least 15 minutes before that? You bleeding turncoat!
Apparently if you’re staying with Liz, she gets dibs on going to bed first. Well, if you officially ruled a country you’d damn well make sure everyone went to bed when you wanted.
Good luck, Meghan, we’re sure you don’t need it.
Tim Horner is a sub-editor at UNILAD. He graduated with a BA Journalism from University College Falmouth before most his colleagues were born. A previous editor of adult mags, he now enjoys bringing the tone down in the viral news sector.