Oh, Tinder. Scratch that. Oh fellow men on Tinder, stop acting like total tools on dates. It’s not good for the people whose time you waste, and in the age of viral news your actions will come back to bite you in the arse.
24-year-old Kimberley from Morecombe, Lancashire, went on a date with a chap who due to his behaviour will be referred to herein as N. Titledprick.
The two matched on Tinder and after a week of texting decided to go out on a date. So far, so pedestrian.
They first met for a coffee at a Costa, which Kimberley told LADbible went ‘really well’. From there they headed to a Lake District pub for food where things started heading south.
N. Titledprick asked Kimberley if she would ever have plastic surgery and suggested places she should shop before their next meeting.
He then rounded things off by kicking up a fuss when Kimberley offered to pay, and even showed her his bank balance on his phone.
You’d think things couldn’t get any worse than that, but N. Titledprick had a few more tricks up his sleeve.
Three months after the ‘disaster’ date with a man she described to LADbible as ‘a snob and just generally a horrible person’, Kimberley received an unexpected message.
The message began:
Hello Kimberley, I know we went on a date quite a while ago now but I’d like to explain why I haven’t messaged you.
I feel like you could have made the date much better, here’s a few reasons why. I apologise if I offend you.
N. Titledprick then reeled off 15 pointers, rendering the conditional form of the ‘if’ completely redundant to the Nice Guy facade he was trying to present.
The unasked for message continued:
If you lost some weight you would look incredible. Maybe a stone or so.
You are very pale. I know you aren’t a fan of the sun but a bit of fake tan wouldn’t hurt.
You have quite big boobs so you should show off your cleavage more.
I think you need to wear clothes that suit your figure and maybe update your style slightly. Just so I’m not embarrassed to be seen with you.
In further dictionary definitions of ‘gaslighting’, he added:
You need to dye your hair a normal colour and add extensions. Longer hair is much more attractive.
You need to look more natural, stop wearing make up. Just make yourself look decent but don’t overkill it.
Your lips have gone down so you should think of getting more filler. I know you said you regretted it but filler would make you sexier.
Ugh, this is painful. Isn’t there some kind of disaster somewhere I could be writing about instead? He’s not done yet.
You need so much more confidence, confidence is sexy!
The fact you take things slow makes you look like a prude. I didn’t get a kiss which messed with my ego. Be more sensitive to others’ feelings.
When we got food, I know you got a salad but having full fat coke is more calories you don’t need.
The final five points were no better:
You need to keep your past to a minimum. I don’t care about it and what you went through.
Get a sense of humour, you didn’t laugh at a single one of my jokes.
You just seemed a bit stuck up. Sort your personality out.
You made me feel shit when you offered to pay. It’s like you thought I didn’t have enough money after telling you how much is in my account.
You didn’t compliment me once.
You think that would be it if you were infuriated by someone so much. Lights out, good night, Morecombe. But no. This guy is a deep
If you take these on board I might consider another date. I will give you a month and get back in touch to see if this made a difference. Good day to you Kimberly.
Yeah, that’s him spelling her name wrong, not us. Classy.
Kimberley said based on her encounter with this gentleman, she interpreted the message as serious.
But – not to excuse his behaviour in any way – Kimberley said there was light at the end of the tunnel of shit.
At first I was absolutely mortified and it killed my confidence, but the more I read it the funnier it became. I couldn’t understand how a guy could say such things to a woman.
Kimberley’s date feedback is a lot more measured: ‘My only tip for him is to respect women as his behaviour is disgusting.’
You can say that again, Kimberley.
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Tim Horner is a sub-editor at UNILAD. He graduated with a BA Journalism from University College Falmouth before most his colleagues were born. A previous editor of adult mags, he now enjoys bringing the tone down in the viral news sector.