As anyone with a smartphone and a sense of humour will contest, the aubergine has recently become synonymous with a certain type of text message, mainly due to its phallic emoji form and lack of anything more suggestive on our phones’ keyboards.
This guy, however, may have taken someone’s text message a little too literally.
A 50-year-old Chinese man had to go to hospital after inserting an aubergine so far inside himself, it was pressing on one of his lungs.
The man claimed he’d inserted the vegetable into his rectum as he was trying to cure his constipation. The vegetable had then apparently moved up and along his intestines, before reaching his upper abdomen, the Daily Mail reports. I know the saying goes the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but this is something else.
The doctors stated when they found the aubergine, it had nearly reached his heart.
Apparently, the man didn’t visit the hospital until two days after he’d put the vegetable inside himself, and claimed he thought the vegetable could act as a laxative to help with his constipation.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but if you’re feeling a bit bunged up, don’t you want things to come out, rather than go in?
And if you’re wondering, it didn’t cure the poor guy. In fact, somewhat understandably, it just made his pain and discomfort worse, while also causing nausea and vomiting.
The unnamed man had to undergo surgery for the aubergine to be removed, which, after a CT scan, confirmed the vegetable in question was 30cm long.
At least constipation is a – slightly – more believable excuse than falling and ‘accidentally’ getting something stuck up your bum.
After ‘suffering a fall’ in the shower, a man from New Delhi had to go to hospital as the shower head he was using somehow found itself inside the man’s anus.
The man, who (as you can understand) remains anonymous, turned up at Ram Manohar Lohia Hospital and Post Graduate Institute of Medical Education and Research in New Delhi, where he insisted he hadn’t put the shower head up there himself.
The 26-year-old had to detach the shower head from the pipe connecting it to the wall, and take himself off to the hospital.
Luckily, his vitals showed he was stable and there was no evidence of blood in his rectum.
Dr Peeyush Kumar wrote in the British Medical Journal:
A proper history and examination is mandatory to look for signs and symptoms of perforation and infection, such as fever, severe abdominal pain and bleeding.
History is often ambiguous and incomplete due to a high level of embarrassment and social stigma attached to the condition. The same was seen in our case.
Though the patient reported accidental insertion of the shower head and denied voluntary insertion, there is a high suspicion of voluntary insertion for auto-erotic purpose.
It turns out two thirds of patients who come in with these sorts of emergencies are males in their 30s-50s, as our aubergine man proves.
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Charlie Cocksedge is a journalist at UNILAD. He graduated from the University of Manchester with an MA in Creative Writing, where he learnt how to write in the third person, before getting his NCTJ. His work has also appeared in such places as The Guardian, PN Review and the bin.