Penis-Shaped Hot Water Bottle Is Perfect For The Perpetually Cold

by : Julia Banim on : 01 Dec 2019 11:46
Penis hot water bottlePenis hot water bottleFirebox

It’s officially hot water bottle season, and – if I could – I would spend all weekend curled up on the sofa with mine.

There are some pretty cute ones out there, with cosy covers ranging from fuzzy bunnies to cuddly teddy bears. But what if you’re not much of a critter lover? What about if you’re more of a ‘penis person’?


Enter (haha) the penis hot water bottle, a salmon coloured rubbery schlong which has been described as being ‘perfect for spooning or tucking down your pants’. The size and shape of the shaft combined with the heat also makes it a perfect soother for period cramps.

Penis hot water bottlePenis hot water bottleFirebox

The Penis Hot Water Bottle – hailed as ‘the meat that heats’ – is currently being sold on Firebox, with a £13.99 price tag.

According to the product description:


Chilly at night? Not got a hunk to keep your bed warm? We feel ya. Shiver no more, frigid friend. This hot water bottle will keep you willy toasty even in the coldest of temperatures.

He’s no use when he’s all floppy, so fill him up with hot water before getting tucked up. Pro-tip: Tuck him down your pants to experience the thrill of having your very own obscenely large, hot dick.

He’s not just for show, it turns out the humble penis is the perfect shape for a hot water bottle, distributing that lovely warmth sideways through the balls and lengthwise through the shaft. Mmm, cosy.

Just try to ignore his weird little face and be thankful that real penises don’t have them. Mind you, if you were with a man who had a schlong that big, its little grin would be the least of your problems…

Penis hot water bottlePenis hot water bottleFirebox

Satisfied customers have given this product five star reviews, with one approving individual noting it was ‘bigger than expected’.

Another said:


What’s not to love – it’s a hot water bottle shaped like a penis and guaranteed to bring a smile to your face on a very cold night!

Find out more about how you can get this cheeky fella into your bed here.

If you have a story you want to tell send it to UNILAD via [email protected]

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Julia Banim

Jules studied English Literature with Creative Writing at Lancaster University before earning her masters in International Relations at Leiden University in The Netherlands (Hoi!). She then trained as a journalist through News Associates in Manchester. Jules has previously worked as a mental health blogger, copywriter and freelancer for various publications.

Topics: Life, Christmas Gifts, Hot Water Bottle


  1. Firebox

    Penis Hot Water Bottle