Have you ever wondered what happens to your body after you die?
Probably not, because who wants to think of their own death? Not just that but their own corpse. It’s awful.
Awful… but interesting! Turns out there are some really weird features our bodies boast when we go belly-up, and let’s just say they are not for melts.
So let’s get into it. Here are the rumours from the reality.
‘Deathly white’ is a phrase you’ve probably heard before if you eat as many kebabs as I do. Other variations include ‘ghostly white’ and ‘pale as a ghost’.
But no, despite what we see in the movies, humans DO NOT turn white after death. In fact, we turn purple. Like Spyro!
Why? When our hearts stop beating, gravity forces your blood to pool up in your vessels. The process is called livor mortis.
It is (kind of) possible to get a chub on after you die, granted you do it facing-down so your blood can settle in your penis.
Now, I’m not talking about anything full-on here. If you croaked it on your stomach and your blood happened to gather in the penis it would give the appearance of an erection but nothing to write home about, regardless of whether you’re as endowed as I am.
Mate, discharge is such an hanging word. Go ahead, try and make it as sciencey as you like, when it comes down to it we know we’re dealing with willy dribble.
This one’s pretty much an extension of the last.
Dr. Melinek told Men’s Health:
We’ll find discharge near the penis on a corpse, but this comes from the passive seeping of fluid from the prostate gland.
It’s leakage – not ejaculate.
Leakage, schmeakage. It’s minging.
Farting through your mouth
I’m not joking here, fellas. Farting through your mouth is a real side-effect of kicking the bucket.
When your immune cells go to pot after you die, the bacteria from your gut and upper respiratory tract invade your bloodstream like a pitch invasion. In short: decomposition.
If you take a corpse, full of all that built-up gas, and give it a squeeze, the fart will either come out of its backside or its mouth. Either way, the smell is understandably rank.
Ever seen Seven? The scene with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman and the SWAT team checking out that dead sloth guy? And they go close up to him and he starts coughing and rattling and everyone goes ‘Oi woaaaaaah, oi fam get someone in here now!’
That’s what can happen when your body goes into shutdown mode.
A final few throws just to ruin any shred of dignity you have left. Grim.
I can imagine how much of a drag dying must be. Wading through life, picking up a paycheck here, starting a family there only to end up convulsing on a bed caked in your own stool.
Basically, when doctors pump all that air into you attempting resuscitation it gets clogged up and released after you pass away.
‘It’s been known to scare some medical students and first-year residents in the morgue’ Melinek says.
There we have it folks. We do a lot of peak stuff when our bodies give in to the clutch of immortality. But don’t worry, we won’t be around to see any of it. Ever! Isn’t life great?