Cash Me Ousside Girl Set To Make Millions After Signing New Deal

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You know it’s Dire Straits, when young teens aspire to get Money For Nothing and actually get what they want – welcome to the world we live in folks.

Danielle Bregoli, the most-maligned, money-making meme of 2016, known better to the collective internet as the ‘Cash Me Ousside’ girl, is cashing in from her television debut. Still.

Why, you might ask?

Partly, because being a misunderstood teenager threatening violence gets you far in life:

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But mainly because some asshat has given her a recording contract, said to be worth millions by so-called celebrity gossip oracle TMZ.

The twerp in question is from Atlantic Records, the very same beacon of talent responsible for giving us AC/DC, Aretha Frankin, Jay-Z, Led Zeppelin, Ed Sheeran, Otis Redding, Ray Charles, Weezer and The Rolling Stones. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

And all because we, as a collective internet hoard, elevated this 14-year-old child to global superstardom and notoriety because she uttered a catchy sentence on television as her family life – and any normal semblance of normality – collapsed for all the world to see.

My friends turned to my enemies ??? @fashionnova

A post shared by Bhad Bhabie (@bhadbhabie) on

Bregoli’s one and only single as her rap alias, Bhad Bhabie, is titled These Heaux. Since her track debuted last month it’s had nearly 22 million views.

Those mind-numbing numbers made Danielle Bregoli the youngest female rapper to chart on the Hot 100 at #77. No wonder, as she monotonously raps in the crap track, her ‘pocket so swole’.

So Atlantic have scooped her up, clocking a quick cash cow, and Bregoli is obviously over the moon because now she gets to peddle her faux angry rap on a legitimate platform and promote her music through her ridiculous tour, presumably.

Bhad Bhabie captioned her announcement on Instagram:

Teamwork makes da dream work bitches.

Teamwork, perhaps…

Record label bosses cow-towing to a 14-year-old internet personality, whose stats on Instagram pale in comparison to her woeful unpreparedness for fame and fortune on this ridiculous scale?

Almost certainly.

Frankie and Eeamon’s fifteen minutes of fame doesn’t seem so strange anymore.

Stop the world. I want to get off.


Francesca Donovan

Francesca Donovan

A former emo kid who talks too much about 8Chan meme culture, the Kardashian Klan, and how her smartphone is probably killing her. Francesca is a Cardiff University Journalism Masters grad who has done words for BBC, ELLE, The Debrief, DAZED, an art magazine you've never heard of and a feminist zine which never went to print.