Ever felt frustrated by the recycled rhymes of your favourite rap artists?
Well, Eminem, feels your pain, and is here to do battle against cliched, lazy lines, ie. ‘the hip-hop don’ts.’
Livestreaming a video through his Instagram, the 45-year-old Detroit rapper appeared alongside Mr Porter, Royce Da 5’9”, and The Alchemist, tearing regurgitated lyrics a new one.
These hip-hop veterans had some world-weary and hilariously accurate advice for the artists of the future, cracking dad joke after dad joke. And I am all for it.
GERMANY + HOLLAND – EM-SMMR18.EUR – GALLERY ON SITE: https://t.co/8DxqzBGaKM
— Marshall Mathers (@Eminem) July 16, 2018
Marshall Mathers ripped into often churned out lines such as ‘I’m a pimp walking with a limp.’
He explained to any aspiring songwriters:
If you have an emergency, it cannot be with an urgency. And if it is with an urgency and you are rushed to emergency surgery, you cannot be burned in third degree.
At this observation, his hip-hop companions can be heard agreeing wholeheartedly.
Eminem continued to throw shade on the deadly sins of bad hip-hop writing:
And if you’re gonna murder me, it cannot be like you never heard of me. You have to know me.
The rappers then discussed among themselves about what you can and cannot go to surgery for, united in agreement that third degree burns were out of the question. Eminem conceded second degree burns would be allowed, as long as no urgency was involved.
Eminem also advised fans: ‘You cannot be a mobster, and eat lobster.’ To which The Alchemist urged: ‘Eat something else!’
If you are a mobster, stay the f*ck away from lobster.
Mr. Porter also had some sound advice on remaining topical:
For anybody that wanna start a war, and you wanna drop a bomb, it cannot be on Vietnam. Vietnam’s already over.
This observation then led to a discussion over the do’s and don’ts in bomb dropping in hip-hop, with scud missiles kicked firmly to the curb.
Referring to yourself as dying hard like Bruce Willis is also reportedly completely unacceptable. Duly noted.
You can get yourself some free creative writing advice from the hip-hop legend below:
The conservation also moved into the sphere of medical advice, with The Alchemist explaining:
If you’re getting brains from a girl, there’s no way you can become smarter than that. You cannot become smarter from brains.
Other crucial lessons included not using skills to pay bills, not getting knowledge from college and not telling the truth in the booth (especially to the young youth).
Indeed, it appears it is totally acceptable and even preferable to lie while in the booth.
How much i love eminem is not normal
— Brielle Biermann (@BrielleZolciak) July 26, 2018
SHE CALLING ME EMINEM CUS IM SO SHADY , 5 RINGS ON MY FINGER I FEEL LIKE TOM BRADY .
— YG ADDIE A$AP ANT (@ygAddie) July 26, 2018
Quiet riots and silent violence were also given the elbow, as was rapping about the temperature of your jewellery, a topic which appeared to exasperate the rapper friends like no other.
Mr Porter exploded:
What if it’s 90 degrees outside and you’ve got jewellery on? You’re f*cking hot, stop lying. You ain’t cold because you’ve got jewellery. That’s a lie. Stop lying to the people.
Eminem proceeded to decree:
If you’re gonna be lyrical, you better stay the f*ck away from miracles. No miracles.
Oh and swaggering like Mick Jagger is totally out of the question, as is lamely describing your pencil as a utensil.
— ᴊ∃ꜱꜱie (@jessieglamxo) July 26, 2018
Which tired old lyrics are you sick of hearing?
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Jules studied English Literature with Creative Writing at Lancaster University before earning her masters in International Relations at Leiden University in The Netherlands (Hoi!). She then trained as a journalist through News Associates in Manchester. Jules has previously worked as a mental health blogger, copywriter and freelancer for various publications.