40 Of The Best Jokes From The UK Pun Championships


Puns – you either love them or you hate them.

And, if you’re a fan of the sometimes cringe-inducing gags, the annual UK Pun Championships were the place to be this week, as eight comedians battled it out with their best punnery, word play and double meaning jokes for the right to be crowned the winner.

And the competition for the prize was strong.

Masai Graham (aka. ‘General Punochet) took home the prestigious gong at Dave’s Leicester Comedy Festival, after four rounds of hotly contested pun action. Graham and Richard Pulsford took the contest to a tie-break, before Graham was able to edge out the victory.

Speaking to the Mirror, Geoff Rowe, director of the festival, said:

The UK Pun Championship has quickly developed into one of the key comedy competitions in the UK. The standard of the acts this year was especially high and we were thrilled to host the event as part of Dave’s Leicester Comedy Festival.

Here’s 40 of the best and most punderful gags from this year’s competition…

Winner – Masai Graham, 35, from West Bromwich


My English teacher recently recovered from a bowel cancer operation… and he tried to show me a semi colon.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

I brought some cocaine from Limerick, but I was annoyed that the third and fourth lines were shorter than the others.

I love playing PGA golf, but to say I have a weak shot on the greens would be putting it mildly.

I’ve got a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set.

I’m a 35-year-old mixed race guy from West Bromwich, so I’ve got a reputation to uphold. So it’s difficult for me to write jokes about flowers, without the stigma attached.

Richard Pulsford, 50, from Scotland

I saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep. It was a lamb bikini.

I bought an impressionist painting of some flowers, but when I got back home the cat scratched it. Now I’m trying to sell it as a Clawed Monet.

I sent a food parcel to my former wife. Fed Ex.

David Bowie’s favourite chocolate? Revel Revel.

Life is like a box of chocolates. Made of leather and zipped around your head. Or so says Forrest Gimp.

Colin Chadwick, 32, from Dublin

Cow tipping, they expect at least 12.5%.

I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold.

Last week I called a lady a watering hole but I meant well.

We nicknamed the local cat lady’s house Guantanameow.

I got caught up in a freak accident last year when I knocked two bearded ladies off their tandem bike.

Nigel Lovell, 41, from London


This government thinks that flood defenses are a drain on the country.

There’s rubbish on TV these days, I tuned into one station and all it showed were programmes about ferries and seagulls. My advice? Avoid the English Channel.

I used to love that programme where Richard Bacon got OAPs to subsidise their pensions by growing and selling drugs. Hash in the Attic.

When I buy a new television I always cover it in a thin layer of oil. I love it when there’s a film on.

My girlfriend likes to tie me to the bed and cover me in chocolate and caramel. She’s a dominatwix.

Richard Woolford, 38, from Stevenage


What wrestler steals your pants? The Undie Taker.

There’s a video game for people who really love the former Indian leader. Ghandi Crush Saga.

I couldn’t afford computer games growing up but I played my own versions, I wouldn’t wash for 4 weeks that was called Pong.

I know a baker who uses a gardening tool, he’s raking in the dough.

Bakers, eh? They’re so kneady!

I bought my girlfriend some Slinky underwear, now she keeps falling down the stairs.

I Photoshopped a terrorist with a black and white comedy star, I call them Laurel and Ji-Hardy.

I Photoshopped a curry dish into a Nazi sign, it’s a Swass-tikka Massala.

I love that David Bowie song about a man whose moustache was on fire, Tashes to Ashes.

My big brother got so stressed and depressed he took apart all of his minty cigarettes, he had a menthol break down.

What King has his own chocolate factory? William the Wonkerer.

Roger Swift, 32, from Telford


Did you know that King Richard III was absolutely obsessed with fish? He even said to one of his servants: “When I die, I want to be buried under a gigantic carp, hark”.

I was actually going to write a joke about a modified computer game, but in the end I thought nah, that’s a bit hack.

Leo Kearse, 39, from Scotland


The late soul singer Marvin Gaye used to keep a sheep in his vineyard. He herd it through the grapevine.

Prince Charles likes to take his iPad with him when he goes to the toilet, because he takes his Air to the throne.

The Queen is really angry that her chair is made of Jelly. She’s throne a wobbly.

Tony Cowards, 42, from the Cotswolds

I live in an anorak, and I’ve got to say, it’s tough in the hood.

I love the BBC’s programmes about space and time…I hope they continuum.

There has been an outbreak of bovine novovirus in Austria. The hills are alive, with the sound of moo sick.