Being a stand-up comedian involves developing the hide of a rhinoceros when it comes to your personal appearance.
After all, an aspiring comic will struggle to exude ease and confidence in front of a packed audience if they are panicking about their appearance.
American comedian Artie Lange is always open to poking fun at his unusually shaped nose, having previously described it as a ‘disaster’ and ‘grotesque’.
People started to notice the shape of Artie’s nose in December 2018, after the 51-year-old comic appeared before a court, having tested positive for various drugs including cocaine and amphetamine, benzodiazepines.
Writing on Twitter towards the end of 2018, Artie said:
My nose looks like it got hit w 32 yrs of gambling drugs booze strippers Whores. Good women Bad women Loved ones dying.
Loved ones leaving stand up Comedy The road Movies TV radio books /dreams coming true. Dreams not /anger jails rehabs mental wards detoxes cigarettes & fun. 143
And the origin story behind Artie’s unique schnozz sounds beyond painful…
Great thing about the Cellar. It’s 2am on Thur & just got off stage. Place was sold out. NEw material working. Made gorgeous girl in front take my pic. But I’ve gotta face it – My nose is grotesque. I don’t look like David Beckham. I look like the ball he kicks around! pic.twitter.com/Sm7hRnguD3
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) December 13, 2018
This is it but I believe her nose had a septum and had not been hideously deformed due to over 3 decades of drug abuse. pic.twitter.com/U2LmcnpI4B
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) December 25, 2018
Speaking on the Craig Ferguson Show in 2017, Artie spoke about a gruesome ‘glass snorting’ incident which left his nose in tatters.
Spinning a wince-worthy yarn which could well be used in schools to put kids off doing drugs, Artie explained :
She [an unnamed ‘really beautiful’ woman] cut up a pill with a salt shaker. And it broke. And she didn’t know that.
And a package came for her at the front desk, of course, and she left. So now I saw the line, I didn’t know it was glass, and I did it. And it was like a zipper.
After eliciting flinches of sympathy within the studio, Artie continued:
I looked in the mirror and I said, ‘Well, now everything’s happened. Everything has happened’.
So I went to a doctor who was, erm, probably not the one I should have went to! And he ruined it! So now my nose is permanently attached to this side of my nostril, like right here. And when I blow my nose, it bleeds.
However, as if that ordeal wasn’t already quite sufficient in ripping Artie’s nasal cavity to ribbons, it appears there are additional reasons for Artie’s pulverised snout.
This week Artie spoke with hosts Jessica Pilot and Adam Kaplan on the podcast Are We Still Talking About This, and revealed:
The reason that I have this nose is of course is the abuse, I have no septum. I also owed a bookie $62,000. I still gamble a lot. That was my worst vice for a long time because it led to everything else. I’m the kind of guy that it just escalates. It just escalates the badness.
Artie explained how a kidnapping led to him being knocked out, in a van, for ’10 minutes’:
Hey I got a quick message for u Ang. U ain’t the man. U run for the man. I fear nothing. pic.twitter.com/Sdn4BgSQzz
— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) December 9, 2017
Seriously, if anyone on this earth deserves a spa day, complete with soothing scented candles, it’s Artie Lange’s nose.
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Jules studied English Literature with Creative Writing at Lancaster University before earning her masters in International Relations at Leiden University in The Netherlands (Hoi!). She then trained as a journalist through News Associates in Manchester. Jules has previously worked as a mental health blogger, copywriter and freelancer for various publications. When not Lad-ing about, she enjoys cooking, reading and trying not to fall over in Yoga.