There are some stories, regardless of whether they’re true or not, which are so great, you want them to be true with every fibre of your being.
This is one such story.
Shared on the reputable news page, The Archbishop of Banterbury, this story has it all – it’ll make you laugh, frightened and even cry!
Our hero, who goes nameless in the version The Archbishop shared, was out running errands for their mother, buying Rochester Ginger from Holland and Barrett.
Feeling a bit peckish, our hero grabbed a drink from the fridge – which boasted it was only 12 calories – along with a flapjack and paid for her hideously healthy snack, ignoring the shopkeeper’s strange reluctance to sell them the food.
It was a red flag they should have noticed!
Polishing off the flapjack and the drink – which apparenty tasted nasty – the unnamed person popped into Poundland to pick up a bargain, which is where the nightmare begins.
You see, while checking out the makeup section, the stomach of said person cramped up and they became aware they needed to go the bathroom.
Heading off to buy the reasonably priced tat and fantasising about the relief awaiting her/him in the bathroom, the situation in the bowel area became unmanageable.
The person in question was forced to make a quick run to the loo!
Unfortunately, the situation had deteriorated in the time it had taken to queue and like Seth Brundle slowly losing his humanity to the Fly DNA transforming his body, so was our hero’s body – being ravaged by the toxic brew in their belly, making it impossible to run.
Bottom clenched, our brave hero finally made it to the toilet and let loose the evil from their bowels.
Quite what came out of them, we don’t know, but we do know the person ‘could not stop sh*tting’, think Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting.
Checking out the drink they had purchased earlier, he/she realised why the shopkeeper had been so perplexed about selling the product – it was a detox drink which had purged her/his system of everything they had eaten.
Including the flapjack…
Things don’t stop there though, they somehow get worse!
You see, our poopy protagonist, in their haste, had gone into the baby changing room to relieve herself and people were now banging on the door.
Unfortunately, the poo would not stop.
Panicking about being caught childless, while pooing what seems to be an infinite turd, our hero did what any sane person would – they cried.
Finally pulling themselves together, the anonymous pooper managed to finally stop and make a break from the bathroom.
Unfortunately though, they’d been in there so long, a queue had formed, and upon leaving, a mother and daughter entered…
The smell immediately drove the girl to tears and our hero disappeared like a particularly crappy Houdini.
Of course, if we’re honest with ourselves we know this story’s probably not true?
Yet a man can dream how a fellow human being did such a stinky poo, they made a little girl cry, right?
More of a concept than a journalist, Tom Percival was forged in the bowels of Salford University from which he emerged grasping a Masters in journalism.
Since then his rise has been described by himself as ‘meteoric’ rising to the esteemed rank of Social Editor at UNILAD as well as working at the BBC, Manchester Evening News, and ITV.
He credits his success to three core techniques, name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake.