It’s almost Christmas fellas. The Lord’s day if you’re a believer. To everyone it’s just December 25th.
But to those believers let me ask you this: where do you reckon Jesus Christ himself would stand on the whole thing?
I mean not just the day itself but the build up, the songs, the festivities, the toys, the games, everything. Now I don’t like to admit this, but I’ve never actually met Christ. Sometimes in the media, certain marks are hard to contact and let me tell you this, he is no exception. He doesn’t even have an agent. It’s 2017 mate.
Anyway, here’s why I and probably others think why Jesus wouldn’t dig Christmas.
IT’S NOT HIS BIRTHDAY
So this is the obvious one, and hopefully something everybody knows about in 2017.
Yeah, sorry guys but going to church and celebrating the birth of Jesus on Christmas day is a waste of time. The date was simply chosen and agreed on to align with a variety of pre-existing winter festivals.
Astronomers believe Jesus was most likely to have been born in June.
THE COMMERCIALISATION OF IT ALL
Jesus was talented no doubt. He’d walk the X Factor. But Christmas shopping is task I think even Christ Almighty would perish under. Not just because of the crying babies, the queues and general hell of them, but because they’re teeming with toys and products and capitalism. As a socialist, this would make him go, ‘Guys? I thought the greatest gift of all was love?’ before crumbling and going to Subway to smash a Meatball Marinara.
THE GUY WAS JEWISH
Love celebrating Jesus on Christmas? You should vouch for Hanukkah instead. You could do both but that’s just greedy, isn’t it?
JESUS HATED TREES
It’s true. Sure, he may have been a socialist and all-around nice guy but when it came to nature’s own skyscrapers, the Lord had zero interest. According to the Bible, Jesus was once hungry and on the hunt for some fruit and tried his luck with a fig tree. When he discovered it hadn’t produced any fresh grub yet he cursed the thing, leaving it to wither. If he’d had the time it’s arguable that he would’ve laid waste to entire forests. We’ll never know for sure.
SANTA IS AN ANAGRAM OF SATAN
Need I say more? By the way, I once heard someone seriously say ‘Need I say no more?’ after making a point and nobody corrected him.
HE’D BE USELESS AT CHARADES
Imagine for a second Jesus Christ is on your sofa. You’re stood up by the fireplace and are about to illustrate Jurassic Park using only your body. Firstly, the concept of the film would jar him even if knew what charades was. Dinosaurs? Theme parks? People speaking English? But watching someone attempt to communicate with sign language would prove just too much for the guy.
So there you have it. Like I said, I’ve never met him so it’s impossible for me to clarify all this. Hopefully one day he can prove me wrong.
Your move big guy.