Man Accidentally Sticks Sword Up His Arse While Treating His Piles

Chris Murphy

One man’s bizarre DIY method for treating his haemorrhoids went horribly wrong when he ended up with a sword lodged up his arse.

The 54-year-old man, Mr Kao, from Hangzhou City, China had been attempting to treat his own piles, using a toy sword to “snip” them.

Or, at least, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

Chris Murphy

Kao then had to make possibly the most awkward phone call of all time, contacting his colleagues to inform them of his absolutely unforgettable excuse for missing work: “I can’t come into work today. I have a sword stuck in my bum.”

The offending sword in question measured around 10cm (4 inches) in length, was worryingly thick, and was reportedly covered in serrated parts which could easily hook into the flesh. We’ll just let that horrible fact sink in for a second…

As if the whole situation wasn’t embarrassing enough, poor Kao then had to deal with probing questions from a reporter who just happened to show up on the scene.

Chris Murphy

The journalist was keen to know if he was crouching over a mirror when the incident happened, whether it “accidentally” slipped when he was sitting down, and confirmed that he was squatting for quite a long time before the accident. Kao wearily responded “yeah” to all questions. Poor guy.

Fortunately, doctors acting as this guy’s personal King Arthur were eventually able to remove the blood-soaked sword from between Kao’s butt cheeks. However, it turned out that he never actually had piles at all, just an itchy arse.

Oh, that’s awkward…