If you take one step out of your front door this Valentine’s Day, you’d be fooled into thinking we’re all slaves to love and romance.
But not these guys. The pair of punk rock compadres – known to their friends and prospective Valentines as Laurie Vincent and Isaac Holman – might go by the name Slaves, but they answer to no third-century Roman Cupid who has since succumbed to commodification by capitalist Casanovas.
Their new album, Take Control showcases Slaves’ melodic musical mania, embodied by the convulsing choruses and sullen sarcasm with which all romantics can relate. It is perfectly mirrored in their Anti-Valentine’s Day playlist, as compiled by guitarist and bassist, Laurie.
Ghostpoet – Sorry My Love, It’s You Not Me
Laurie thinks Ghostpoet’s anthem for not giving a shit is perfect for ‘When the magic isn’t there anymore.’
‘She/he drives you mad. It is all their fault,’ and all you need is this song to prove ‘The end is nigh.’
Kelis – Caught Out There
According to Laurie – and Kelis herself – this track is ‘For all the women out there who have been lied to by their men’.
Let the song be a lesson that an ‘I love you’ on Valentine’s Day three years ago might not be enough to hold down a happy relationship.
Eminem – 97 Bonnie and Clyde
Planning to murder your significant other this Valentine’s Day because they keep leaving the toilet seat up? Laurie believes ‘Eminem might be able to give you some tips’.
Disclaimer: Neither Slaves nor UNILAD condone murder. Try couple’s therapy instead.
The Notorious B.I.G – Dead Wrong
Laurie said this track is quit possibly his favourite Biggie number because it contains ‘Absolutely no romance whatsoever.’
Join Slaves and take pleasure in this ‘Pure filth’… Because who needs a boo when Biggie is BAE.
Ian Dury – Plaistow Patricia
Quoting Ian Dury, Laurie happily proclaims, ‘Arseholes, bastards, fucking cunts and pricks’.
…The four perfect components of a beautiful February 14th night .
Slaves – How’s Amelia?
The playlist features one of Slaves’ very own tracks, titled How’s Amelia?
According to Laurie, ‘It’s a tune written about a jealous ex girlfriend’ but contrary to the probing lyrics, he adds, ‘Amelia was never ugly’. The heartbreakers never are, after all.
The Streets – We Can Never Be Friends
‘I personally find it strange when people stay friends after breaking up’, Laurie mused, reflecting exactly what we all secretly think when the dreaded ex gets back in contact.
He added, ‘Mike Skinner is much more on my wave length with this song off his final Streets album’.
Rancid – Fall Back Down
For anyone who’s suffering heartbreak, Laurie has a few choice words for you: ‘Dumped? Rejected? Go and find comfort in your best friends like Tim from Rancid did after Brody Dalle broke his heart.’
Slaves know your mates will always be there to pick up the pieces.
The Specials – Little Bitch
‘Title says it all really.’
Eamon – Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)
This throwback to the naughties taught tween millennials that love hurts – particularly when your ex publicly humiliates you with a chart-topping break up response song, a la Frankee and F.U.R.B.
Laurie confirms Eamon’s place on this playlist, saying his lament is ‘A classic for the broken hearted and lonely’.
The Police – Every Breathe You Take
You know things have hit rock bottom when you’re listening to music that treads the line between romance and prison.
Laurie said, ‘When all else fails, maybe stalking is your last option. Scrolling through their Instagram endlessly? Here’s a tune for you.’
The Slits – Heard It Through The Grapevine
Laurie contributes one last heart-warming final warning with ‘the best cover of all time, by The Slits.’
He asks, ‘Can you sense your time is up? Are you awaiting the day your beloved ends it with you. Take the opportunity to get the upper hand.’
If the music dries up – which is looking unlikely considering the Slaves’ summer festival schedule – at least Laurie knows he can resort to plan B with a matchmaking service for down-trodden lonely hearts who have a penchant for punk. Where do we sign?