Ten Christmas Presents To Buy If You’re A Colossal Dickhead
It’s the thought that counts.
That’s what they tell us anyway, and it’s always better to get someone a heartfelt gift which will mean a lot to them.
But, if you’ve got money to burn and are basically a colossal bellend, maybe you’ll want to take a completely different tack and shell out on one of these absolutely ridiculous pieces of kit as an Xmas gift.
I mean, it’ll make you look very generous indeed, although the gift receiver will inevitably mutter under their breath about what an awful vacuous human you are.
Here’s just ten of the most ridiculous presents on the market this festive season…
They’re banned in London now but nothing says: “I’m so cool and don’t give a shit” like getting one of these monstrosities regardless of the consequences. “What a badass”, they’ll say. Maybe.
Sugar made of gold. That’s a thing now, apparently. Courtesy of Firebox, each grain is covered in fully edible, 24ct gold but, at £80 a lump, you’ll probably not want to use more than one in your cup of tea. Or at all, if you have any sense.
Bejewelled USB stick
Because nothing says “every one of my word documents and emails are super important” like a memory stick inside a jewel covered mushroom. For the low, low price £22,950.
Reindeer Mince Pie With Ruby Red Nose
Why settle for a normal mince pie this holiday season when you could shell out £475 for just one of the tasty snacks, complete with reindeer icing and a real ruby for Rudolph’s nose? And you thought Ferrero Rocher were glamorous and upmarket!
Diamond Christmas Crackers
If you need to spice up Christmas dinner, how about shelling out for a luxury cracker containing a real diamond selected by award winning jeweller Tresor Paris? We are kind of intrigued what kind of jokes you get in these crackers though. We’re not sure a simple knock knock gag would cut it after you’ve shelled out £113,000 on one of these. We’d want a real crown too, none of this paper rubbish!
Gold Racing Bike
Because nothing will show your determination to stick to your New Year’s resolution of exercising more regularly than Firebox’s 24ct gold racing bike. With a suede saddle, this will certainly make for a luxurious ride, no matter how ridiculous you look to other people. Just don’t leave this particular bike unattended in London unless you have a similarly impressive bike lock.
Louis Vuitton Skateboard
If the gold racing bike doesn’t do it for you, why not purchase a skateboard which is stupidly overexpensive just because Louis Vuitton has slapped his name and design on it? Because nothing will make you look more cool and down with the kids at your local skateboard than shelling out $8,250 (£5,550) on something this ridiculous.
Dolce and Gabanna Sunglasses
If you really want to let people know what a complete arsehole you are, you could always invest in the world’s most expensive pair of sunglasses. I mean, sure, they protect your eyes from the sun just like a cheap £5 pair from the local market, but DG2027B sunglasses come with a hefty pricetag of $383,609 (£257,700). They don’t even look that nice…
With the rise in popularity of beards in recent years, it’s surprising any guy would even want a razor nowadays. Still, they say you can’t compromise on a good shave so why not spend $100,000 (£67,000) on the world’s most expensive razor? Because it’s ridiculous, that’s why. Forget stainless steel blades, this bad boy uses artificial sapphire, and is 1/10,000th the width of a hair. Honestly, we’d rather cut our entire face up than ever pay this much for a smooth face.
Gold Shoelaces by Mr Kennedy
Gold. Shoelaces. $19,000 (£12,500). FFS.