Good news for anyone undergoing a nihilistic existential crisis – the world’s apparently going to end next week,… bad news for the rest of us though I guess?
According to conspiracy theorists, and a seemingly bored editorial team over at the Daily Mail, The Bible says The Rapture is going to take place on September 23 and will see all the worthy Christians ascend to Heaven while the sinners are left on Earth to burn.
Apparently it’s an odd astrological alignment involving the constellations Leo and Virgo and several planets which is going to trigger the apocalypse – an event prophesied in Revelation 12: 1-2.
A great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head.
She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth.
If you’re wondering what it’s got to do with Leo and Virgo you’re not alone, but supposedly Virgo represents a woman (fair enough), Leo the crow (Okaaay) and the moon is the feet (Oh fudge off).
So all three of these things are going to align and then the Sun – which will pass through the alignment on 23 September – will bring about the end of the world.
You know, the usual stuff; fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling, forty years of darkness and dogs and cats living together type stuff.
Thankfully for those who’ve lived a less wholesome life, the apocalypse will take place over several years as the Antichrist slowly takes control of the planet, so you’ll get to enjoy all your favourite vices at least one more time.
Of course it goes without saying, I’ve had sneezes with more substance than this theory and even Christians have dismissed the Rapture as hokum and blarney, so there’s probably no need to worry about supernatural disaster.
What you should be worried about is looming nuclear war…