‘I’ve just come up with an idea and, let me tell you, it’s going to be ‘uge.
‘People are saying it’s the best idea ever come up with in the history of ideas ever, let me tell you something, it’s so great, outstanding, really great. No one’s ever come up with anything like this. Are you ready? OK, here it is, OK – plastic straws. Plastic. Straws.
‘These liberals and their paper straws, they don’t work! They say paper straws are saving the planet but I’ve used plastic straws all my life and it’s never done me any harm OK? OK.’
OK, not the finest impression of Donald Trump (you need smaller than average sized hand gestures to complete it), but you get the idea.
Yes, president Donald Trump is selling packs of Trump-branded, red plastic straws purely to stick it to the Liberals.
According to the official Donald J. Trump shop:
Liberal paper straws don’t work. STAND WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP and buy your pack of recyclable straws today.
For the measly sum of $15 (£12) you can get 10 Trump straws. That’s $1.50 (£1.20) per straw. The recommended retail price of a 330ml can of Coke, for example, is 85p in the UK, while $1.27 will get you 1.25l of Coke in the US.
Luckily, the website states these straws are reusable and recyclable, as well as being nine inches long, laser engraved, and made in the USA, natch.
Of course, it could be that Trump is just using the environmental issue to troll his Liberal opposition, but he’s a businessman at heart, so you know he’s going to look to make some money from it while he does.
As Trump senior worries himself over the bigger issues, like plates, POTUS’s decision to sell plastic straws while the rest of the world works to get rid of them will certainly please another, younger Trump.
Elsewhere in the Donald J. Trump store, you can buy two branded pint glasses for $35 (£27.99), a plethora of t-shirts emblazoned with phrases such as ‘Women for Trump’, ‘Veterans for Trump’ and ‘#buildthewall’ and, of course, more styles of MAGA cap than you can shake your fist at.
Please drink responsibly.
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Charlie Cocksedge is a journalist at UNILAD. He graduated from the University of Manchester with an MA in Creative Writing, where he learnt how to write in the third person, before getting his NCTJ. His work has also appeared in such places as The Guardian, PN Review and the bin.