Science has spoken and anyone born before 1980 is too old to go clubbing, apparently.
Researchers have surveyed the nation’s social habits to age-shame anyone in their thirties who loves nothing more than getting shitfaced in a dark room full of sweaty youths and tepid tinnies.
The bastard respondents have spoken: they say that 37 is the age at which it becomes ‘tragic’ to go to a nightclub, with 31 emerging as the age we officially prefer staying in to going out, according to the Currys PC World survey.
A further 37 per cent of judgemental souls said there is nothing more tragic than seeing adults in their 40s, 50s and 60s surrounded by twenty-somethings in pubs and bars.
Which is ironic because they are the people who lived through The Summer of Love and the rise of acid house so frankly, we of the Gen-Y, could learn something from them.
Apparently 46 per cent of participants prefer to stay home and would choose Netflix over Nneka whatever the weather. But why are we falling out of love with the Great British Nightclub – the mecca of our formative years?
Well, obviously they’re too expensive, according to six in ten and a further 29 per cent said they can’t face a hangover the next day which is absolutely fair enough.
Almost half of those surveyed said evenings out were no longer “their scene” – which sounds like a tired cliche the bully from a bad 80s John Travolta film would hold onto to assert his dominance and fit in on the playground.
Fourteen per cent moaned about the unpredictable weather, 22 per cent can’t be bothered to get dressed up – apparently they’ve never heard of Wetherspoons.
The laborious process of arranging babysitters puts 12 per cent off and the hassle of booking taxis spurred 21 per cent to stay on the sofa.
A staggering 13 per cent of British women have apparently never heard of trainers, and they say their feet hurt too much in high heels to justify having fun in a club.
Three in ten of the adults polled said a perfect night-in would be devouring a box set and nearly a quarter like to spend an evening in whittling away the time on social media.
Eight in ten adults polled said they feel relieved when having a night in and they see friends posting pictures on social media of raucous, boozy gatherings.
Matt Walburn of Currys PC World said:
The Great Indoors study recognises the fact that there comes a time when we appreciate our home comforts more than a hectic social life and it can often be a drag to play the social butterfly at parties and nights out.
Walburn enthusiastically added: “It’s now almost impossible to get bored at home, with endless box sets and the latest technology, such as 4K TV, enhancing the in-house experience, so much, that it often surpasses its ‘outdoor’ equivalent.”
Yes, clubs might be a sticky cocktail of regret, lowered inhibitions and shouting over bad bass, but they’re our clubs and sometimes, they offer a nice reprieve from The Big Night In, no matter how glorious clean pyjamas might feel.
37 is too old for clubbing? That’s the Gospel according to literally no one.
A former emo kid who talks too much about 8Chan meme culture, the Kardashian Klan, and how her smartphone is probably killing her. Francesca is a Cardiff University Journalism Masters grad who has done words for BBC, ELLE, The Debrief, DAZED, an art magazine you’ve never heard of and a feminist zine which never went to print.