It’s no secret that Coachella tickets are not cheap.
With Beyonce, Radiohead and Kendrick Lamar as this year’s headliners, everyone is scrambling to get into the two-day drug-filled music fest.
And with passes officially no longer available, well, there aren’t plenty of options about for people who want to dance in Indian headdresses while off their face.
Enter 56-year-old ‘Gordon’ of West Covina, California. He’s here to save the day with free tickets – but there are some conditions.
Posting his ad on Craigslist, Gordon starts out by giving a little introduction about himself:
Ok here’s the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I’m willing to give it away for free to the right person. I’m looking for a travel ‘companion’ that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years.
Alright, so he’s had a tough time. But still, he has some free tickets – so we’re still listening.
I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN!
I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right ‘one’!
Any time ‘companion’ is used in quotation marks you should be worried. He’s also rented only one room… If this hasn’t turned you off travelling with Gordo, he goes on to state a list of
demands requests in order for you to fit the bill.
First off, you have to be between the ages of 19-25. You also have to be comfortable travelling in a Recreational Vehicle – specifically, a Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100.
It’s all pretty harmless (kind of) up until this point.
From the third request on, though, it gets kinda really fucking creepy:
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic. The closeness of those two demands make me uncomfortable.
7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially).
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks… BIG BONUS!
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride). He is going to leave you in the desert.
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instagram account.
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that ‘I am naughty’.
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that ‘you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time’.
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!
If you still want to head to Coachella with Gordon, it may be time to reevaluate your values…