This Map Tells You If You’ll Be Vapourised In A Nuclear Attack

nuke-test-united-statesFederal Government of the United States

Here’s a piece of information I never thought I’d want or need: This website will tell you if you’d survive a nuclear attack.

From the little I know about nuclear bombs – information I’ve admittedly absorbed from highly inaccurate films – the question of whether you’d survive a total global nuclear war seems a little redundant.

It’s pretty much always slim to zero chance you’re making it out alive, particularly if you’re in London when an unruly world leader drops a 15 Megaton Castle Bravo missile, as illustrated below for your delight by Would I Survive A Nuke.

would-i-survive-a-nuke-londonWould I Survive A Nuke

In this time of political uncertainty, it’s not enough for people to know they’re going to die.

Apparently we want the gory details of our own demise in the case of nuclear war. If you’re one of these forward-thinking people who don’t want to leave things to fate, head over to Would I Survive A Nuke.

Here, you can enter your location and the type of global threat, from a dinosaur ending meteor to the 50 Megaton Tsar Bomba nuclear missile.

would-i-survive-a-nukeWould I Survive A Nuke

The website will tell you whether you survive – unlikely – and exactly what your death will feel like.

For example, if you happen to be in Beijing when a dinosaur ending meteor hits, according to the site you will die an ‘excruciatingly painful, horribly long’ death that’s sickening to watch.

This website, which offers a radius of damage, will come in mighty handy when we get that four-minute warning saying Trump has thrown a hissy fit when he realises women don’t want their pussies grabbed, thrown his toys out of the pram and started a nuclear war on a whim.


I jest… But Putin did spark fears of impending nuclear attack as recently as October when he sent civilians into a subterranean bunker to trial the country’s defences from technological warfare, and experts have claimed WW3 is imminent.

Disclaimer: Before you contact your estate agent and decide to move to the Canadian Rockies or the Sahara Desert, the information on this website is by no means supposed to be taken seriously.

It’s just a bit of nuclear warfare banter, guys.