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US Military ‘Ready’ To Confront 1.5 Million People Planning To Storm Area 51

by : Tim Horner on : 14 Jul 2019 13:45
US Military 'Ready' To Confront 1.5 Million People Planning To Storm Area 51US Military 'Ready' To Confront 1.5 Million People Planning To Storm Area 51Jackson Barnes/Facebook/PA

Here come the Men in Black because the US military has responded to this week’s viral plans to storm Area 51.

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I assume they wear black, like most people my knowledge of Area 51 is based upon Men in Black and Independence Day. Gonna be disappointed if they’re not.

ICYMI there’s now 839,000 people clicking attending on the Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us Facebook event and a further 739,000 interested. As everyone knows how Facebook events work that’s an absolute certainty 1,578,000 people will be storming Area 51.

Now we haven’t had a chance to look into every single person signed up to storm Area 51, but my cigarette packet maths puts that at a potential half million Naruto runners, half million rock throwers and a half million Kyles. That’s enough to put the fear into anyone.

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And look who’s scared now, as the US Air Force has issued a warning for the possible (not alien) invasion due to take place on September 20.

Well, it’s probably a warning for the benefit of the event attendees and not a cry for help distraction type thing, but you can never be sure. I mean, have you ever seen a Kyle kicking in drywall?

The Independent reports US Air Force spokesperson Laura McAndrews offering a word of warning for potential trespassers.

She said:

[Area 51] is an open training range for the US Air Force, and we would discourage anyone from trying to come into the area where we train American armed forces.

The US Air Force always stands ready to protect America and its assets.

Ms McAndrews reportedly did not elaborate on how officials would react to potential intruders.

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One keen Facebook user Jackson Barnes posted a detailed plan of action on the event, explaining how Kyles would form the front line while the rock throwers launch pebbles at ‘the inevitable resistance’.

He points out that they don’t want to hurt the people protecting Area 51, they just want to ‘annoy them enough to not shoot the Kyles as often’. While all that’s going on, two Naruto runner battalions will ‘run full speed around the north and south flank’ and overwhelm the base.

I just hope our brave troops are ready for the alien hybrid rock technology they’re hiding in there.

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Tim Horner

Tim Horner is a sub-editor at UNILAD. He graduated with a BA Journalism from University College Falmouth before most his colleagues were born. A previous editor of adult mags, he now enjoys bringing the tone down in the viral news sector.

Topics: Viral, Area 51, Facebook event, Kyles, Naruto runners, rock throwers, Storm Area 51

Credits

Independent
  1. Independent

    Storm Area 51: US military 'ready' to confront 600,000 alien-hunters threatening to break into top-secret base